I thought I should probably right another post to clarify things about the last one(although I kind of doubt anyone's read it yet. If you haven't feel free to scroll down but I warn you it is long.) just so people would get the whole picture. When I wrote that post I was feeling depressed so I probably made it more depressing than I meant to. However, I'm not going to say that what I wrote wasn't the truth. It was the truth. I feel all those things I wrote about: I'm not happy with myself and the way I look. However, I am also doing things to improve myself. I've been working out a lot and have made it to some goals that I had laid out, I'm learning to play the guitar, I'm wanting to take Judo classes(unfortunately they're a bit expensive most of my money is going toward tuition), etc. So while I'm not happy with who I am and how I look I'm also trying to fix it.
The thing is we all feel these self doubts and self criticisms about ourselves. I doubt that there is anyone normal out there who is completely happy with who they are or how they look. It's just part of being human I suppose plus nowadays mass media has forced the idea of perfection down our throat and, let's face it, while it's easy to seem perfect in commercials and such it's impossible to be perfect in real life. Anyways while we all have these self criticisms the important thing is how we deal with them. We can either try to block them out through various methods such as self-medication(pot is my self-medication), or we can let them control or lives and be absolutely miserable, or we can do a thousand different things. Me? I keep my self criticisms locked up tight inside. I don't tell anyone about them and instead try to pretend like everything's going great all the time even though I could feeling like absolute shit. Why? I don't want to bother other people with my problems. That's kind of funny when you think about it. I really want to help people with their problems but I don't want people helping me with mine. Well that's not true. I would like people to help me with my problems I just don't want to tell anyone about my problems. I don't want to burden them with unnecessary worrying over me. I figure people have got enough problems of their own why should I bother them with my problems. Of course then things just build out and I need to find a release...such as writing a really long post about how miserable I am at the moment.
Anyway I figured I'd just clear things up. Like I said before feel free to read the post before this. It'll make this one make more sense.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Musings From An Untidy Mind
Wow it's been awhile since I've posted anything. The problem is that I'm usually sidetracked. It's like "Well I sit down and take the time to write something or I could go for some instant gratification like get high and watch a movie." and then I go get high and watch a movie. Actually that's a good starting topic.
I've known for a long time I've been addicted to pot. It used to be just a casual thing but now I know that it's in all probability addiction. I usually get high every day, sometimes multiple times, and, while still possible, I know that it'd be really hard for me to go cold turkey. After all I really like getting stoned. Stoned is just a nice place for me to be. I'm relaxed, happy, all the usual self doubts and criticisms are gone, food tastes good and it helps me sleep. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm an addict. Luckily right now I don't have to quit because even though I'm an addict I'm also a functioning addict. I work two steady jobs in which I'm almost never late and my bosses and co-workers enjoy working with me and are satisfied with my level of work, I'm saving up to go to what is probably my last year at university after which I will graduate with, at the very least, a Bachelor's in Liberal Studies, I'm in relatively good shape(at least I like to think I am), I file my taxes, etc. I function. So I don't have to quit right now.
I went and saw Matthew Good live on June 29th(I'm not really going to try and segue from one topic to another mainly because I can't think of ways right now) and man was it worth it. I do not regret going to the concert in any way. I've always been a fan of Matt Good. When I was a kid I remember Matt Good being the only 'cool' music I liked. At the time the only other music I was really into was Elton John. The music was incredible. Because of the volume it was like being in the center of a musical tornado. The opening band was The Spades and they were also extremely awesome. I thought they had a Stones/Tragically Hip thing going but then they just became so much more. Me, Ky, and Jordan went to meet the lead singer and they got to go up and talk to them because they bought Spades swag which they could get signed. I got a Matt Good t-shirt that I wanted to get signed but Ky told me that it would weird. I regret not talking and now know that I could have at least gone up and said that he was awesome. Matt Good was incredible. He wasn't wearing his traditional glasses but he didn't seem bitter like I was told he had been in the concert in Vancouver. He and his band broke out into some jazz which was just awesome. I mean it's like they're doing the concert and it's like "Let's now do some jazz just because".
Still I'm told that lately Matt Good has been depressed because he's gotten divorced and he's bipolar(hey I was able to segue into this). I actually found out that he is also bipolar. All the people I've told so far didn't know it. He needs something to fill the hole in his heart. You know when I first said after the concert I was laughed at...well maybe not laughed at but the comment caused some amusement. But I still believe that and you know I wish that I could help fill that hole. I wish that I could have gone to his trailer and just been able to sit and talk with him for an hour or two and try and help him get through what he was going through. Like that would ever happen. But it's still nice to dream from time to time. And it's not just that I wish I could help Matt Good. I wish I could help more people get through their problems. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be able to help people? Unfortunately I'm probably one of the last people qualified to do that. I'd probably say the wrong thing or screw up somehow. But I still wish I could help people.
"You know it's true
There's nothing I can do
Pick a fight, it's just you being right
Walk away, there's nothing I can say
You know it's true
There's nothing I can do about you"
I recently saw 'The Karate Kid' on television recently. Hopefully you guys still remember 'The Karate Kid'. Personally it was one of my favorites as a kid. As a kid I always liked the movies in which the underdog would rise up. I think it was mainly because I was the underdog. Unfortunately that never happened to me. Most of you probably don't know this(if you do then I'm going to feel really stupid over 'revealing' this) but I was bullied a lot as a kid. Five years straight. Grade 3-7 of straight bullying. Five years of wishing that I didn't have to go to school, of being afraid of going to school. And you know what there were times when I wanted to kill myself because. Yeah. That's right. A little 9-10 year old kid thinking about killing himself. I didn't even know that it was called suicide at that point. Maybe it was because I had glasses or because I was smart or different I don't know. I was never given a reason and I never got an old asian guy to teach me karate. I think that's what gave me such strong feelings over the whole good and evil thing. Because I know what it's like to be oppressed. I know what it's like when those that are stronger than you decide to kick you around for amusement because they're stronger than you. So don't expect me to understand the attractiveness of being evil because I already know what it's like when the strong are evil and it isn't fun. Luckily though all that shit ended when I got into High School. And I suppose I should consider myself lucky. After all that kind of shit can really screw up a person especially when you're a kid. Me? I just a near obsession with justice, courage, and heroism.
You know I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with who I am and the way I look and this isn't a little thing either. I actually sometimes think I have a serious self-esteem problem. I wish I wasn't awkward, I wish I was in better shape, I wish I didn't have a gnomish nose and big lips, I wish my face was thinner. I wish I was more photogenic. There are nearly no photos of myself that I like. For nearly all of them I look bad in some way. If I'm trying to be serious I look ridiculous, if I'm trying to be funny I look stupid...actually I look stupid in most of them. There just aren't many pictures that I can look at and say I'm happy with them. Hell I look stupid in most of my head shots for crying out loud. I don't look good in any of the ones in which I'm smiling. Why do I have to be the one with a stupid smile?! Why did I have to be given the short end of the stick when it came to looks?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I suppose one of the main reasons I smoke pot is so I don't have to think about this stuff. I just wish I could have answers to some of these questions. Another one is....no nobody wants to hear that shit....still why not just get it off my chest? I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. No forget about this nobody wants to hear me moaning about that. But I'm never going to get an answer unless I ask the question. But then they'll know! I think I've already revealed a lot already, they all now know how miserable I really am why not reveal the last embarrassment? So yeah I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. Well actually I kind of already know the answer. All the girls I've been interested in either have no interest in me or already have boyfriends. And then when they break up with their boyfriends they just get new ones before I can do anything and then that's the end of that. I'm a good guy remember? They're happy with their new boyfriends and I'm not going to try and ruin that. After all my happiness isn't important remember? Still I'd really like to know something: am I ugly? Now I want you all to be completely, brutally honest here. Lies and sugar coating isn't going to help me. I just want an answer. Why? Because maybe if I have an answer then I can solve the problem. God do I want to solve the problem because it has pained me for so long. I've felt plenty of different types of pain before but being alone is something different altogether. There's nothing quite so pervasive, so constant and painful. It's not the dagger sharp pain of the physical but a slow poison that slowly eats you away and can make you feel worse than you've ever felt before. When I see the happiness, the completeness that my friends have when they have that special someone...man can it hurt.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!"
Anyway I think I'm going to stop here. I've already said a lot more than I intended to and this is probably going to be enough to take in. And if you're worried don't be and don't bother phoning me and asking me if I'm alright. I'll survive....I always have. And don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.
Peace.
"I dreamt last night I saw you
A single spark explosion negotiating with the dead
By the bright lights in some ICU
On my chest you put your head
And said...
There you are
There you are
There's my heart"
I've known for a long time I've been addicted to pot. It used to be just a casual thing but now I know that it's in all probability addiction. I usually get high every day, sometimes multiple times, and, while still possible, I know that it'd be really hard for me to go cold turkey. After all I really like getting stoned. Stoned is just a nice place for me to be. I'm relaxed, happy, all the usual self doubts and criticisms are gone, food tastes good and it helps me sleep. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm an addict. Luckily right now I don't have to quit because even though I'm an addict I'm also a functioning addict. I work two steady jobs in which I'm almost never late and my bosses and co-workers enjoy working with me and are satisfied with my level of work, I'm saving up to go to what is probably my last year at university after which I will graduate with, at the very least, a Bachelor's in Liberal Studies, I'm in relatively good shape(at least I like to think I am), I file my taxes, etc. I function. So I don't have to quit right now.
I went and saw Matthew Good live on June 29th(I'm not really going to try and segue from one topic to another mainly because I can't think of ways right now) and man was it worth it. I do not regret going to the concert in any way. I've always been a fan of Matt Good. When I was a kid I remember Matt Good being the only 'cool' music I liked. At the time the only other music I was really into was Elton John. The music was incredible. Because of the volume it was like being in the center of a musical tornado. The opening band was The Spades and they were also extremely awesome. I thought they had a Stones/Tragically Hip thing going but then they just became so much more. Me, Ky, and Jordan went to meet the lead singer and they got to go up and talk to them because they bought Spades swag which they could get signed. I got a Matt Good t-shirt that I wanted to get signed but Ky told me that it would weird. I regret not talking and now know that I could have at least gone up and said that he was awesome. Matt Good was incredible. He wasn't wearing his traditional glasses but he didn't seem bitter like I was told he had been in the concert in Vancouver. He and his band broke out into some jazz which was just awesome. I mean it's like they're doing the concert and it's like "Let's now do some jazz just because".
Still I'm told that lately Matt Good has been depressed because he's gotten divorced and he's bipolar(hey I was able to segue into this). I actually found out that he is also bipolar. All the people I've told so far didn't know it. He needs something to fill the hole in his heart. You know when I first said after the concert I was laughed at...well maybe not laughed at but the comment caused some amusement. But I still believe that and you know I wish that I could help fill that hole. I wish that I could have gone to his trailer and just been able to sit and talk with him for an hour or two and try and help him get through what he was going through. Like that would ever happen. But it's still nice to dream from time to time. And it's not just that I wish I could help Matt Good. I wish I could help more people get through their problems. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be able to help people? Unfortunately I'm probably one of the last people qualified to do that. I'd probably say the wrong thing or screw up somehow. But I still wish I could help people.
"You know it's true
There's nothing I can do
Pick a fight, it's just you being right
Walk away, there's nothing I can say
You know it's true
There's nothing I can do about you"
I recently saw 'The Karate Kid' on television recently. Hopefully you guys still remember 'The Karate Kid'. Personally it was one of my favorites as a kid. As a kid I always liked the movies in which the underdog would rise up. I think it was mainly because I was the underdog. Unfortunately that never happened to me. Most of you probably don't know this(if you do then I'm going to feel really stupid over 'revealing' this) but I was bullied a lot as a kid. Five years straight. Grade 3-7 of straight bullying. Five years of wishing that I didn't have to go to school, of being afraid of going to school. And you know what there were times when I wanted to kill myself because. Yeah. That's right. A little 9-10 year old kid thinking about killing himself. I didn't even know that it was called suicide at that point. Maybe it was because I had glasses or because I was smart or different I don't know. I was never given a reason and I never got an old asian guy to teach me karate. I think that's what gave me such strong feelings over the whole good and evil thing. Because I know what it's like to be oppressed. I know what it's like when those that are stronger than you decide to kick you around for amusement because they're stronger than you. So don't expect me to understand the attractiveness of being evil because I already know what it's like when the strong are evil and it isn't fun. Luckily though all that shit ended when I got into High School. And I suppose I should consider myself lucky. After all that kind of shit can really screw up a person especially when you're a kid. Me? I just a near obsession with justice, courage, and heroism.
You know I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with who I am and the way I look and this isn't a little thing either. I actually sometimes think I have a serious self-esteem problem. I wish I wasn't awkward, I wish I was in better shape, I wish I didn't have a gnomish nose and big lips, I wish my face was thinner. I wish I was more photogenic. There are nearly no photos of myself that I like. For nearly all of them I look bad in some way. If I'm trying to be serious I look ridiculous, if I'm trying to be funny I look stupid...actually I look stupid in most of them. There just aren't many pictures that I can look at and say I'm happy with them. Hell I look stupid in most of my head shots for crying out loud. I don't look good in any of the ones in which I'm smiling. Why do I have to be the one with a stupid smile?! Why did I have to be given the short end of the stick when it came to looks?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I suppose one of the main reasons I smoke pot is so I don't have to think about this stuff. I just wish I could have answers to some of these questions. Another one is....no nobody wants to hear that shit....still why not just get it off my chest? I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. No forget about this nobody wants to hear me moaning about that. But I'm never going to get an answer unless I ask the question. But then they'll know! I think I've already revealed a lot already, they all now know how miserable I really am why not reveal the last embarrassment? So yeah I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. Well actually I kind of already know the answer. All the girls I've been interested in either have no interest in me or already have boyfriends. And then when they break up with their boyfriends they just get new ones before I can do anything and then that's the end of that. I'm a good guy remember? They're happy with their new boyfriends and I'm not going to try and ruin that. After all my happiness isn't important remember? Still I'd really like to know something: am I ugly? Now I want you all to be completely, brutally honest here. Lies and sugar coating isn't going to help me. I just want an answer. Why? Because maybe if I have an answer then I can solve the problem. God do I want to solve the problem because it has pained me for so long. I've felt plenty of different types of pain before but being alone is something different altogether. There's nothing quite so pervasive, so constant and painful. It's not the dagger sharp pain of the physical but a slow poison that slowly eats you away and can make you feel worse than you've ever felt before. When I see the happiness, the completeness that my friends have when they have that special someone...man can it hurt.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!"
Anyway I think I'm going to stop here. I've already said a lot more than I intended to and this is probably going to be enough to take in. And if you're worried don't be and don't bother phoning me and asking me if I'm alright. I'll survive....I always have. And don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.
Peace.
"I dreamt last night I saw you
A single spark explosion negotiating with the dead
By the bright lights in some ICU
On my chest you put your head
And said...
There you are
There you are
There's my heart"
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Life
Life. Life is full of everything. It's full of possibilities, full of hardships, full of good times, full of bad times, full of strange times, full of boring times. It's full of everything. It's easy to get thrust into life. We don't plan it or ask for it it just happens. However, it's when we get into life that things get interesting. For me life is a vacation for the soul. The whole point is to live it!
Nowhere else except for life can we experience what we do. When we're alive we are subjected to the most incredible sights, the most exotic sounds, the most interesting smells, and the most powerful emotions. We get to eat, breathe, relax, work hard, exercise, love, hate, etc. Nowhere else do we get to do these things. During our lives we get to do as much as we possibly can. We get to experience both good times and bad times. Unfortunately sometimes we forget how integral the bad times are. Think of it this way: if there were no bad times then how would we know how good the good times are?
Life is full of good things and bad things. Life is full of miracles, and adventures, and perfect moments, and happiness, and joy, and love. It's also full of tragedies, and terrible moments, and hate, and fear. But these things are just different sides of the same coin. The coin of life. And you certainly wouldn't be able to live life to the fullest without the whole coin.
I recently had a perfect moment. On Thursday I went to the Valentine's dinner at Fast Eddie's. Many of my friends were there. There was Michelle, Kylan, Eryn, Rilan, Kelcey, Jordan, Crowder, Martha, Matt, and possibly others(if I forgot anyone I apologize). Before we left me, Kylan, Crowder, and Jordan smoked a second dynasty(generation) joint. Then we went there and we had dinner. The perfect moment didn't come during dinner, it came after. I sat back in my chair after eating around half of my meal completely stuffed. And I just sat there and listened to the conversations which were travelling around the table and thought "I am full and surrounded by friends. I am happy" and that was the perfect moment. Everyone in the world should be able to have a moment like that.
I know I am blessed in my life. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I'm not going to do a list in which I thank my friends for certain things because I love you all equally and completely. You're the ones that help me remember the good times when things are bad. You're the ones that pick me up when I'm down. You're my friends.
"42"-Douglas Adams
Nowhere else except for life can we experience what we do. When we're alive we are subjected to the most incredible sights, the most exotic sounds, the most interesting smells, and the most powerful emotions. We get to eat, breathe, relax, work hard, exercise, love, hate, etc. Nowhere else do we get to do these things. During our lives we get to do as much as we possibly can. We get to experience both good times and bad times. Unfortunately sometimes we forget how integral the bad times are. Think of it this way: if there were no bad times then how would we know how good the good times are?
Life is full of good things and bad things. Life is full of miracles, and adventures, and perfect moments, and happiness, and joy, and love. It's also full of tragedies, and terrible moments, and hate, and fear. But these things are just different sides of the same coin. The coin of life. And you certainly wouldn't be able to live life to the fullest without the whole coin.
I recently had a perfect moment. On Thursday I went to the Valentine's dinner at Fast Eddie's. Many of my friends were there. There was Michelle, Kylan, Eryn, Rilan, Kelcey, Jordan, Crowder, Martha, Matt, and possibly others(if I forgot anyone I apologize). Before we left me, Kylan, Crowder, and Jordan smoked a second dynasty(generation) joint. Then we went there and we had dinner. The perfect moment didn't come during dinner, it came after. I sat back in my chair after eating around half of my meal completely stuffed. And I just sat there and listened to the conversations which were travelling around the table and thought "I am full and surrounded by friends. I am happy" and that was the perfect moment. Everyone in the world should be able to have a moment like that.
I know I am blessed in my life. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I'm not going to do a list in which I thank my friends for certain things because I love you all equally and completely. You're the ones that help me remember the good times when things are bad. You're the ones that pick me up when I'm down. You're my friends.
"42"-Douglas Adams
Sunday, December 9, 2007
A Hero's Worth
Man it's been awhile since I posted on my blog. Oh well hopefully there are still a few of you out there who check it from time to time. Anyways on with the show.
Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a good guy. In fact I'm more than just a good guy I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's a bit of a joke but most people probably don't know how serious it is. I'm a 'Good Guy' and I will always be a 'Good Guy'. I'm not quite sure how to say why I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's sort of something deep inside me. I can't not be a 'Good Guy' because not being good means being evil. There is no part of me that is able to do evil. There is no way that who I am can do evil. I just can't. I can't imagine myself doing evil. Also I don't understand evil and I don't understand why people would want to do evil. I don't understand how someone would be able to derive pleasure from harming someone else be it through theft, manipulation, or straight physical pain. I also don't understand how people who I know, who I call friends, who I care about and who I trust with my very life would want to do evil even in games. Oh I've heard all the excuses: "It's not real, it's just a game.", "Come on I'm just having some fun.", "You're taking this too seriously". Well maybe I am. But the way I see it being able to do evil in a game is just a statement about the person doing the evil. If they can do it in a game then how hard would it be for them to do it real life? I don't understand it. But maybe I don't have to.
-----------------------------
Being a 'Good Guy' means being different from other people. Being a 'Good Guy' is about living differently from other people. When you're good you live according what being good is about. To you things like 'Honor', 'Justice', 'Kindness', 'Loyalty', and 'Respect' and so on are more than just words they are a way of life. They are ideals that you live your life trying to exemplify. You try to embody those ideals as best that you can and even though it's difficult you still try because when you're good you have certain responsibilities. You are someone who is relied upon. You're relied upon to be good by everyone. Even when those who you know are evil they still rely upon you to be good. They rely upon you to never give on them and you don't. When you're good you don't give up on people no matter what they have done wrong. You don't give up on them and you are always ready to welcome them back with open arms and forgiveness in your heart because you know that they need someone who they can rely on to do that. They need to know that no matter what they do, no matter how far they fall there will still be someone to pick them back up, someone who is still ready to fight for them because then they can keep on fighting themselves. You don't give up on anyone because if you do then who will they have left? Why do I do this? Because someone needs to.
---------------------------
When you're good you live for other people. You put everyone else before you. Their happiness, health, well-being, everything. You make certain that they are happy....even when it's hard to do. No matter how much you want to say something, to show weakness or....how you really feel if it conflicts with their happiness then you square your shoulders and put on a smile no matter how much you might hurt inside you never show it. You carry your burden alone....your happiness isn't important. If you are happy while making them happy then that's a fortunate by-product. You have to be strong so others don't have to.
Anyways that's all I really want to say....that's who I am. That's what I am. And I'm not going to change.
Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a good guy. In fact I'm more than just a good guy I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's a bit of a joke but most people probably don't know how serious it is. I'm a 'Good Guy' and I will always be a 'Good Guy'. I'm not quite sure how to say why I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's sort of something deep inside me. I can't not be a 'Good Guy' because not being good means being evil. There is no part of me that is able to do evil. There is no way that who I am can do evil. I just can't. I can't imagine myself doing evil. Also I don't understand evil and I don't understand why people would want to do evil. I don't understand how someone would be able to derive pleasure from harming someone else be it through theft, manipulation, or straight physical pain. I also don't understand how people who I know, who I call friends, who I care about and who I trust with my very life would want to do evil even in games. Oh I've heard all the excuses: "It's not real, it's just a game.", "Come on I'm just having some fun.", "You're taking this too seriously". Well maybe I am. But the way I see it being able to do evil in a game is just a statement about the person doing the evil. If they can do it in a game then how hard would it be for them to do it real life? I don't understand it. But maybe I don't have to.
-----------------------------
Being a 'Good Guy' means being different from other people. Being a 'Good Guy' is about living differently from other people. When you're good you live according what being good is about. To you things like 'Honor', 'Justice', 'Kindness', 'Loyalty', and 'Respect' and so on are more than just words they are a way of life. They are ideals that you live your life trying to exemplify. You try to embody those ideals as best that you can and even though it's difficult you still try because when you're good you have certain responsibilities. You are someone who is relied upon. You're relied upon to be good by everyone. Even when those who you know are evil they still rely upon you to be good. They rely upon you to never give on them and you don't. When you're good you don't give up on people no matter what they have done wrong. You don't give up on them and you are always ready to welcome them back with open arms and forgiveness in your heart because you know that they need someone who they can rely on to do that. They need to know that no matter what they do, no matter how far they fall there will still be someone to pick them back up, someone who is still ready to fight for them because then they can keep on fighting themselves. You don't give up on anyone because if you do then who will they have left? Why do I do this? Because someone needs to.
---------------------------
When you're good you live for other people. You put everyone else before you. Their happiness, health, well-being, everything. You make certain that they are happy....even when it's hard to do. No matter how much you want to say something, to show weakness or....how you really feel if it conflicts with their happiness then you square your shoulders and put on a smile no matter how much you might hurt inside you never show it. You carry your burden alone....your happiness isn't important. If you are happy while making them happy then that's a fortunate by-product. You have to be strong so others don't have to.
Anyways that's all I really want to say....that's who I am. That's what I am. And I'm not going to change.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
"You're so full of it your eyes are brown!"
You know I really ought to post more often. It's just whenever I think up something worth posting I get sidetracked. But I digress.
As many of you probably know by now I've started taking Liberal Studies classes. So far I've been enjoying myself. The classes focus on debate among other things(philosophy, history, etc.) which got me thinking about opinions. Opinions. Everyone has one which to me seems to be the problem.
You see we're taught to respect other people's opinions no matter what they are. However, this is complete bullshit the reason being is that a lot of people have bad opinions. Now we(and by we I mean myself and my friends because that's pretty much the only people who read this blog) are privileged. We are privileged to have an education and have the ability to view both sides of an issue and formulate our own opinion from the facts. We are smart, clever, and level headed. Most people are not like this. Most people are unfortunately not too smart, not too clever(are sometimes even jealous/distrustful of cleverness), and can be rather hot headed. Just because we have had the good fortune to not meet a lot of these people(or at least not meet these people recently so we have forgotten about them) does not mean that they don't exist. I'll give you an example by telling you about an argument against global warming that I've been hearing a lot recently. Apparently there can't be global warming because it's cold outside. I swear to god that that's an honest argument that's been going around. If that isn't enough then look at how mass media influences the public. It's ridiculous! And so because of this we get bad opinions. Opinions such as "All people of the Arabic culture are terrorists"(although not so eloquently put), "The holocaust never happened", "Christianity is the only true religion and if you disagree you'll go to hell", most of what republicans say, and so on and so on(feel free to remember any really stupid opinions you've ever heard).
And so even though these are bad opinions we are still told that we have to respect them. Now I'm sorry but as I said before I still think that that's complete bullshit. I mean it in turn means that we have to respect the opinion of someone who says "Let's put all the kittens of the world into blenders.". From here on I say that if we hear a stupid opinion(and I mean a really stupid opinion not something like "I prefer XBOX to the Playstation" or "I prefer Playstation to XBOX") that we all have the guts to say that whoever said the stupid opinion is full of shit. Who's with me?
As many of you probably know by now I've started taking Liberal Studies classes. So far I've been enjoying myself. The classes focus on debate among other things(philosophy, history, etc.) which got me thinking about opinions. Opinions. Everyone has one which to me seems to be the problem.
You see we're taught to respect other people's opinions no matter what they are. However, this is complete bullshit the reason being is that a lot of people have bad opinions. Now we(and by we I mean myself and my friends because that's pretty much the only people who read this blog) are privileged. We are privileged to have an education and have the ability to view both sides of an issue and formulate our own opinion from the facts. We are smart, clever, and level headed. Most people are not like this. Most people are unfortunately not too smart, not too clever(are sometimes even jealous/distrustful of cleverness), and can be rather hot headed. Just because we have had the good fortune to not meet a lot of these people(or at least not meet these people recently so we have forgotten about them) does not mean that they don't exist. I'll give you an example by telling you about an argument against global warming that I've been hearing a lot recently. Apparently there can't be global warming because it's cold outside. I swear to god that that's an honest argument that's been going around. If that isn't enough then look at how mass media influences the public. It's ridiculous! And so because of this we get bad opinions. Opinions such as "All people of the Arabic culture are terrorists"(although not so eloquently put), "The holocaust never happened", "Christianity is the only true religion and if you disagree you'll go to hell", most of what republicans say, and so on and so on(feel free to remember any really stupid opinions you've ever heard).
And so even though these are bad opinions we are still told that we have to respect them. Now I'm sorry but as I said before I still think that that's complete bullshit. I mean it in turn means that we have to respect the opinion of someone who says "Let's put all the kittens of the world into blenders.". From here on I say that if we hear a stupid opinion(and I mean a really stupid opinion not something like "I prefer XBOX to the Playstation" or "I prefer Playstation to XBOX") that we all have the guts to say that whoever said the stupid opinion is full of shit. Who's with me?
Monday, July 23, 2007
"Yeah but he didn't write this fucking song."
I've been doing some thinking recently(I do that sometime) and I realized that I talk to God a lot. Now before you go and phone the nice men with the clean white coats to take me away hear me out. When I say talk to God I don't actually mean talk to God. I mean it's not like we're having a two way conversation thing. I'm talking about you know prayers and just general talking and that kind of stuff. Now what I find interesting about this is that I'm not Catholic nor do I have any big religious standpoint(except for maybe Buddhism but that's more a way of life than a religion. Heck even the Buddha said that he didn't want his teachings turned into a religion.). I pretty much just believe in God which got me thinking. God probably means different things to different people. I think everyone has their own personal God or personal envisioning of God. Personally I think God is one cool guy(yes I think God is male. If you think otherwise that's fine by me. That's your God not my God.). You know kind of like a Jerry Garcia/Tommy Chong God. In other words to me God is an old hippy and that's the way I like Him. I mean it's sort of in the beginning he was new and starting out and wanting to make an impression so there was all that fire and brimstone and smiting but now He has mellowed out. Now He's my own personal God. Now He's always there to listen whenever I'm alone and feeling down, He listens to my ranting and raving even when I'm not talking to him, He hears my prayers and if He can He helps out(and I always make certain to thank Him). Plus He doesn't really make me bother with going to church and all that. He just wants me to go through life doing what I feel is right and believe in Him. Now while some people might say that I've just created a God and that's not the right God and all that ridicoulous stuff I like the idea of having a personal God. I think everyone should have a personal God if they want it/thinks it would help them out and if they don't want a God then that's their decision. And that's my two bits on that.
Wrapping up you should all know I'm going to be able to host a party at my house in a couple of weeks since my parents are going house sitting. Also I'm going to leave you all with a link to what I think is one of the best short movies ever made(if it doesn't connect then go on Youtube and search The Hire-Beat the Devil).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nxV1Iw6PFI
Wrapping up you should all know I'm going to be able to host a party at my house in a couple of weeks since my parents are going house sitting. Also I'm going to leave you all with a link to what I think is one of the best short movies ever made(if it doesn't connect then go on Youtube and search The Hire-Beat the Devil).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nxV1Iw6PFI
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
When the curtain falls
They say there's a troop ship leaving today
Bound for old Blighty's shores
Heavily laden with time expired men
Back to the land they adore
There's many a bloke who's finishing his tod
And many a twerp signing on
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads bless 'em all
Bless 'em all, bless 'em all
The long and the short and the tall
Bless all the sergeants and W.O. Ones
Bless all the corp'rals and their blinking sons
For we're saying good-bye to them all
As back to the barracks we crawl
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads Bless 'em all,
It's actually over. After months of rehearsal, after about over half a month's worth of performances, after a much anticipated Mainstage performance The Long, The Short, and the Tall is actually over. It's no longer quiet in the jungle, I'm no longer in the jungle. The magic has finally faded and all that's left is to put the soldiering back on the shelf and return to being a simple actor.
This play was different from all the other ones I've done so far and I can honestly say that I've never gotten as emotionally attached to a play as I did with this one in fact I think all the other guys in the cast can say the same thing. During the course of the play we became more than just fellow actors. As cheesy as it sounds we did become like brothers of sorts. Unfortunately it's really hard to explain something like this after everything has ended. All I can really explain is the loss, the hole I've been feeling ever since I got back. I'm just happy that I was able to work with who I did and I wouldn't have traded anyone on the cast for someone else. Together we were able to help each other really find out more about ourselves and what we can do as actors. Instead of being happy with being good we kept striving, kept pushing each other to be great. Together we helped make the play more real. We went into the jungle together and we all came back together.
Anyways enough of that. You're probably all wondering what Kamloops was like. Well it was good. The ride up was pretty uneventful. We took the 8:30 ferry out of Departure Bay and then just drove until we stopped for lunch at Hope. There was this nice little restaurant/cafe place that did a lunch. I think it was called the Blue Moose or something like that. Also there was a car show happening on the road in front of the restaurant so I had a look. The cars were interesting but for me when I see a car that isn't 'wow' quality then I'm just sort of 'it's a car....can we go now?'. After lunch we were back on the road again heading to Kamloops but there wasn't really much to do so I had a nap. When I woke up we were merely ten or fifteen minutes away and my god was it warm. In fact it was about as warm as it is today(35 degrees or so). Actually I think today may be warmer but that's beside the point. It was very warm. When we got into town we went to the Coast Canadian Inn and checked in. I went up to the room and it was a nice room as well. King sized bed, good clean bathroom, big TV(didn't actually watch a lot of TV while in Kamloops though). Very comfortable but I didn't have time to think about getting comfortable there were people to meet. So I went down to Sgt. O' Flaherty's pub which was beside the lobby and met up with the guys that were already here. We talked and waited for everyone else to get there and then we talked some more and had a bite to eat. O' Flaherty's was the type of pub with good pub food. Then after dinner we went and saw the stage version of 'Proof' which was very good. Before the play I actually ran into Leon and we chatted for a few minutes and after the play me and the guys went to the afterparty. We tried a little clubbing but everything was closed for some reason so we just went back to the afterparty and I headed to bed around 2:00AM.
The next day(monday) was pretty uneventful. I woke up, had some breakfast at Dennie's and then went to a Playwriting workshop that Leon was putting on. I actually learned a couple of helpful things and got a great idea for a say five-ten minute one act that I'm going to write soon. The rest of the day was pretty much official rehearsing and going over things like blocking and whatnot. Then after that was done we took a swim in the hotel swimming pool and rehearsed a little more in the hot tub and sauna. Man that sauna was hot. Then we all went to Boston Pizza and I got a medium pepperoni pizza, Jeremy and Nick shared some nachos and wings, and I forget what the other people got. A funny thing happened when we were having the leftovers packed up and Jeremy asked if he could get the left over nachos wrapped up. The waitress asked if he was sure and it turned out that it was the first time anyone had ever asked to get nachos wrapped up. We actually wound up giving the nachos to a homeless guy who mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Seriously I look over my shoulder one minute: nothing. I look over my shoulder next minute and the guy is nearly walking beside me. Crazy.
Then there was tuesday. Game day. We got to the theatre at 1:00PM and then promptly had to wait for the bloody rent-a-van to get fixed(luckily we only had to wait about fifteen minutes). Davies and Robyn were actually there to help so that was cool. We got finished at about quarter to five after much arguing and a couple of corrections. However, the finished project wound up being nearly twenty bloody feet from the edge of the stage(this was the cause for the arguing)! I mean I don't mind not having the set right at the front(sometimes it's even a bad idea) but for a play like ours you want the set to be a the front. Besides the Sagebrush theatre is bloody big(seats about 700) so having the set back nearly twenty feet just makes it even harder for the people in the back row to see us. Ah well. C'est la vie. At the very least we could bullshit that we did it on purpose to give the whole thing a feeling of solitude. It definitely had a feeling of solitude at the very least. When I was on the set the audience, the backdrop, everything seemed to fade and here we were, in the middle of the Malayan jungle in some shabby shack. Definitely freaked me out a little especially when I was looking at the backdrop, closed my eyes, and when I reopened them was looking at the jungle(not a backdrop, THE jungle). Still the play was great, WE were great, and after the play was over and there was the final blackout not one of us had a dry eye and the audience just sat there stunned for a few moments(which was exactly what I was hoping for) before breaking into applause. The feeling of walking back onto that stage and looking out into the audience was exhilirating. We had done it. We had gone to mainstage and we had given one hell of a performance. Then of course there was the after party which was loads of fun. I got roaring drunk and, since there was karaoke, sang 'Play That Funky Music'(one of the songs I'm actually good at) and all of us sang 'I Want it That Way' by the Backstreet Boys together. We were pretty bad(maybe. I actually thought we weren't half bad) but we didn't care. Unfortunately the after party ended at around 1:00AM(or maybe 1:30) so we all went back to Jesse's room and continued drinking/partying. Then we got kicked out of the room and unfortunately I lost track of everyone. They had all disappeared so I went to Dennie's. I was drunk and hungry and it was open 24 hours a day so it seemed like a good idea to me. I cackled like a bloody maniac all the way over there as well. I didn't care I was happy....and drunk. Then after Dennie's I still couldn't find anyone so I went back to my room and about 3:30 or 4:30 was woken up by the guys who had wondered where I had gone. Actually at first I let them think I was still sleeping and Jesse and Luke sang a song to me which was nice and it wasn't until Richard started talking about writing on my face that I let them know I was awake. When they found out I was actually awake they decided to let me sleep which was also nice considering we'd have to be up, dressed, and slightly coherent at 9:30 for the adjudication.
Finally there was Wednesday. The 8:30 wake up call was nasty. No man after drinking heavily and going to sleep at 3/4:30 should have to get up less than nine hours later. It's just not fair. However, we all got up(I managed to keep from puking) and got down to the adjudication which was in the lower lobby in time for 9:30. The adjudicator was named Dean and he was actually a nice guy and really funny. He went through the play with a fine tooth comb however, that meant he had really liked the play. If he hadn't liked the play he would have just gone 'yeah it was good' and that would have been it. He also helped us work on our characters as well and really get to understand them as well. He was the sort of person who didn't 'critique' but 'advised'. Instead of saying what had been wrong he said what we could do to make the play even better for next time. Unfortunately after the adjudication I had to go pack and check out since I was getting a ride back with Jeremy, his mom, and Richard's mom as well. I slept for pretty much most of the road trip and we managed to catch I think it was the 7:20 boat. Then when I finally got home I had a good cry. That's right I bawled my eyes out and I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit it! It just goes to show that it was one hell of a play and one hell of an experience and I wouldn't have traded it for the world!
So that was my trip to mainstage. It was extremely awesome and I'm very happy it happened. The only sucking part was having to go to NCO the day after I got back but then I quit on Friday so hey it's not that bad! Until next time I leave you all with a little song.
A handsome young private lay dying
At the edge of the jungle he lay
The regiment gathered around him
To hear for the last words he'd say
Take the trigger guard out of my kidney
Take the magazine out of my brain
Take the barrel from out of my backbone
And assemble my rifle again
Bound for old Blighty's shores
Heavily laden with time expired men
Back to the land they adore
There's many a bloke who's finishing his tod
And many a twerp signing on
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads bless 'em all
Bless 'em all, bless 'em all
The long and the short and the tall
Bless all the sergeants and W.O. Ones
Bless all the corp'rals and their blinking sons
For we're saying good-bye to them all
As back to the barracks we crawl
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads Bless 'em all,
It's actually over. After months of rehearsal, after about over half a month's worth of performances, after a much anticipated Mainstage performance The Long, The Short, and the Tall is actually over. It's no longer quiet in the jungle, I'm no longer in the jungle. The magic has finally faded and all that's left is to put the soldiering back on the shelf and return to being a simple actor.
This play was different from all the other ones I've done so far and I can honestly say that I've never gotten as emotionally attached to a play as I did with this one in fact I think all the other guys in the cast can say the same thing. During the course of the play we became more than just fellow actors. As cheesy as it sounds we did become like brothers of sorts. Unfortunately it's really hard to explain something like this after everything has ended. All I can really explain is the loss, the hole I've been feeling ever since I got back. I'm just happy that I was able to work with who I did and I wouldn't have traded anyone on the cast for someone else. Together we were able to help each other really find out more about ourselves and what we can do as actors. Instead of being happy with being good we kept striving, kept pushing each other to be great. Together we helped make the play more real. We went into the jungle together and we all came back together.
Anyways enough of that. You're probably all wondering what Kamloops was like. Well it was good. The ride up was pretty uneventful. We took the 8:30 ferry out of Departure Bay and then just drove until we stopped for lunch at Hope. There was this nice little restaurant/cafe place that did a lunch. I think it was called the Blue Moose or something like that. Also there was a car show happening on the road in front of the restaurant so I had a look. The cars were interesting but for me when I see a car that isn't 'wow' quality then I'm just sort of 'it's a car....can we go now?'. After lunch we were back on the road again heading to Kamloops but there wasn't really much to do so I had a nap. When I woke up we were merely ten or fifteen minutes away and my god was it warm. In fact it was about as warm as it is today(35 degrees or so). Actually I think today may be warmer but that's beside the point. It was very warm. When we got into town we went to the Coast Canadian Inn and checked in. I went up to the room and it was a nice room as well. King sized bed, good clean bathroom, big TV(didn't actually watch a lot of TV while in Kamloops though). Very comfortable but I didn't have time to think about getting comfortable there were people to meet. So I went down to Sgt. O' Flaherty's pub which was beside the lobby and met up with the guys that were already here. We talked and waited for everyone else to get there and then we talked some more and had a bite to eat. O' Flaherty's was the type of pub with good pub food. Then after dinner we went and saw the stage version of 'Proof' which was very good. Before the play I actually ran into Leon and we chatted for a few minutes and after the play me and the guys went to the afterparty. We tried a little clubbing but everything was closed for some reason so we just went back to the afterparty and I headed to bed around 2:00AM.
The next day(monday) was pretty uneventful. I woke up, had some breakfast at Dennie's and then went to a Playwriting workshop that Leon was putting on. I actually learned a couple of helpful things and got a great idea for a say five-ten minute one act that I'm going to write soon. The rest of the day was pretty much official rehearsing and going over things like blocking and whatnot. Then after that was done we took a swim in the hotel swimming pool and rehearsed a little more in the hot tub and sauna. Man that sauna was hot. Then we all went to Boston Pizza and I got a medium pepperoni pizza, Jeremy and Nick shared some nachos and wings, and I forget what the other people got. A funny thing happened when we were having the leftovers packed up and Jeremy asked if he could get the left over nachos wrapped up. The waitress asked if he was sure and it turned out that it was the first time anyone had ever asked to get nachos wrapped up. We actually wound up giving the nachos to a homeless guy who mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Seriously I look over my shoulder one minute: nothing. I look over my shoulder next minute and the guy is nearly walking beside me. Crazy.
Then there was tuesday. Game day. We got to the theatre at 1:00PM and then promptly had to wait for the bloody rent-a-van to get fixed(luckily we only had to wait about fifteen minutes). Davies and Robyn were actually there to help so that was cool. We got finished at about quarter to five after much arguing and a couple of corrections. However, the finished project wound up being nearly twenty bloody feet from the edge of the stage(this was the cause for the arguing)! I mean I don't mind not having the set right at the front(sometimes it's even a bad idea) but for a play like ours you want the set to be a the front. Besides the Sagebrush theatre is bloody big(seats about 700) so having the set back nearly twenty feet just makes it even harder for the people in the back row to see us. Ah well. C'est la vie. At the very least we could bullshit that we did it on purpose to give the whole thing a feeling of solitude. It definitely had a feeling of solitude at the very least. When I was on the set the audience, the backdrop, everything seemed to fade and here we were, in the middle of the Malayan jungle in some shabby shack. Definitely freaked me out a little especially when I was looking at the backdrop, closed my eyes, and when I reopened them was looking at the jungle(not a backdrop, THE jungle). Still the play was great, WE were great, and after the play was over and there was the final blackout not one of us had a dry eye and the audience just sat there stunned for a few moments(which was exactly what I was hoping for) before breaking into applause. The feeling of walking back onto that stage and looking out into the audience was exhilirating. We had done it. We had gone to mainstage and we had given one hell of a performance. Then of course there was the after party which was loads of fun. I got roaring drunk and, since there was karaoke, sang 'Play That Funky Music'(one of the songs I'm actually good at) and all of us sang 'I Want it That Way' by the Backstreet Boys together. We were pretty bad(maybe. I actually thought we weren't half bad) but we didn't care. Unfortunately the after party ended at around 1:00AM(or maybe 1:30) so we all went back to Jesse's room and continued drinking/partying. Then we got kicked out of the room and unfortunately I lost track of everyone. They had all disappeared so I went to Dennie's. I was drunk and hungry and it was open 24 hours a day so it seemed like a good idea to me. I cackled like a bloody maniac all the way over there as well. I didn't care I was happy....and drunk. Then after Dennie's I still couldn't find anyone so I went back to my room and about 3:30 or 4:30 was woken up by the guys who had wondered where I had gone. Actually at first I let them think I was still sleeping and Jesse and Luke sang a song to me which was nice and it wasn't until Richard started talking about writing on my face that I let them know I was awake. When they found out I was actually awake they decided to let me sleep which was also nice considering we'd have to be up, dressed, and slightly coherent at 9:30 for the adjudication.
Finally there was Wednesday. The 8:30 wake up call was nasty. No man after drinking heavily and going to sleep at 3/4:30 should have to get up less than nine hours later. It's just not fair. However, we all got up(I managed to keep from puking) and got down to the adjudication which was in the lower lobby in time for 9:30. The adjudicator was named Dean and he was actually a nice guy and really funny. He went through the play with a fine tooth comb however, that meant he had really liked the play. If he hadn't liked the play he would have just gone 'yeah it was good' and that would have been it. He also helped us work on our characters as well and really get to understand them as well. He was the sort of person who didn't 'critique' but 'advised'. Instead of saying what had been wrong he said what we could do to make the play even better for next time. Unfortunately after the adjudication I had to go pack and check out since I was getting a ride back with Jeremy, his mom, and Richard's mom as well. I slept for pretty much most of the road trip and we managed to catch I think it was the 7:20 boat. Then when I finally got home I had a good cry. That's right I bawled my eyes out and I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit it! It just goes to show that it was one hell of a play and one hell of an experience and I wouldn't have traded it for the world!
So that was my trip to mainstage. It was extremely awesome and I'm very happy it happened. The only sucking part was having to go to NCO the day after I got back but then I quit on Friday so hey it's not that bad! Until next time I leave you all with a little song.
A handsome young private lay dying
At the edge of the jungle he lay
The regiment gathered around him
To hear for the last words he'd say
Take the trigger guard out of my kidney
Take the magazine out of my brain
Take the barrel from out of my backbone
And assemble my rifle again
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