Musings From An Untidy Mind

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted anything. The problem is that I'm usually sidetracked. It's like "Well I sit down and take the time to write something or I could go for some instant gratification like get high and watch a movie." and then I go get high and watch a movie. Actually that's a good starting topic.

I've known for a long time I've been addicted to pot. It used to be just a casual thing but now I know that it's in all probability addiction. I usually get high every day, sometimes multiple times, and, while still possible, I know that it'd be really hard for me to go cold turkey. After all I really like getting stoned. Stoned is just a nice place for me to be. I'm relaxed, happy, all the usual self doubts and criticisms are gone, food tastes good and it helps me sleep. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm an addict. Luckily right now I don't have to quit because even though I'm an addict I'm also a functioning addict. I work two steady jobs in which I'm almost never late and my bosses and co-workers enjoy working with me and are satisfied with my level of work, I'm saving up to go to what is probably my last year at university after which I will graduate with, at the very least, a Bachelor's in Liberal Studies, I'm in relatively good shape(at least I like to think I am), I file my taxes, etc. I function. So I don't have to quit right now.

I went and saw Matthew Good live on June 29th(I'm not really going to try and segue from one topic to another mainly because I can't think of ways right now) and man was it worth it. I do not regret going to the concert in any way. I've always been a fan of Matt Good. When I was a kid I remember Matt Good being the only 'cool' music I liked. At the time the only other music I was really into was Elton John. The music was incredible. Because of the volume it was like being in the center of a musical tornado. The opening band was The Spades and they were also extremely awesome. I thought they had a Stones/Tragically Hip thing going but then they just became so much more. Me, Ky, and Jordan went to meet the lead singer and they got to go up and talk to them because they bought Spades swag which they could get signed. I got a Matt Good t-shirt that I wanted to get signed but Ky told me that it would weird. I regret not talking and now know that I could have at least gone up and said that he was awesome. Matt Good was incredible. He wasn't wearing his traditional glasses but he didn't seem bitter like I was told he had been in the concert in Vancouver. He and his band broke out into some jazz which was just awesome. I mean it's like they're doing the concert and it's like "Let's now do some jazz just because".

Still I'm told that lately Matt Good has been depressed because he's gotten divorced and he's bipolar(hey I was able to segue into this). I actually found out that he is also bipolar. All the people I've told so far didn't know it. He needs something to fill the hole in his heart. You know when I first said after the concert I was laughed at...well maybe not laughed at but the comment caused some amusement. But I still believe that and you know I wish that I could help fill that hole. I wish that I could have gone to his trailer and just been able to sit and talk with him for an hour or two and try and help him get through what he was going through. Like that would ever happen. But it's still nice to dream from time to time. And it's not just that I wish I could help Matt Good. I wish I could help more people get through their problems. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be able to help people? Unfortunately I'm probably one of the last people qualified to do that. I'd probably say the wrong thing or screw up somehow. But I still wish I could help people.

"You know it's true
There's nothing I can do
Pick a fight, it's just you being right
Walk away, there's nothing I can say
You know it's true
There's nothing I can do about you"

I recently saw 'The Karate Kid' on television recently. Hopefully you guys still remember 'The Karate Kid'. Personally it was one of my favorites as a kid. As a kid I always liked the movies in which the underdog would rise up. I think it was mainly because I was the underdog. Unfortunately that never happened to me. Most of you probably don't know this(if you do then I'm going to feel really stupid over 'revealing' this) but I was bullied a lot as a kid. Five years straight. Grade 3-7 of straight bullying. Five years of wishing that I didn't have to go to school, of being afraid of going to school. And you know what there were times when I wanted to kill myself because. Yeah. That's right. A little 9-10 year old kid thinking about killing himself. I didn't even know that it was called suicide at that point. Maybe it was because I had glasses or because I was smart or different I don't know. I was never given a reason and I never got an old asian guy to teach me karate. I think that's what gave me such strong feelings over the whole good and evil thing. Because I know what it's like to be oppressed. I know what it's like when those that are stronger than you decide to kick you around for amusement because they're stronger than you. So don't expect me to understand the attractiveness of being evil because I already know what it's like when the strong are evil and it isn't fun. Luckily though all that shit ended when I got into High School. And I suppose I should consider myself lucky. After all that kind of shit can really screw up a person especially when you're a kid. Me? I just a near obsession with justice, courage, and heroism.

You know I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with who I am and the way I look and this isn't a little thing either. I actually sometimes think I have a serious self-esteem problem. I wish I wasn't awkward, I wish I was in better shape, I wish I didn't have a gnomish nose and big lips, I wish my face was thinner. I wish I was more photogenic. There are nearly no photos of myself that I like. For nearly all of them I look bad in some way. If I'm trying to be serious I look ridiculous, if I'm trying to be funny I look stupid...actually I look stupid in most of them. There just aren't many pictures that I can look at and say I'm happy with them. Hell I look stupid in most of my head shots for crying out loud. I don't look good in any of the ones in which I'm smiling. Why do I have to be the one with a stupid smile?! Why did I have to be given the short end of the stick when it came to looks?!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I suppose one of the main reasons I smoke pot is so I don't have to think about this stuff. I just wish I could have answers to some of these questions. Another one is....no nobody wants to hear that shit....still why not just get it off my chest? I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. No forget about this nobody wants to hear me moaning about that. But I'm never going to get an answer unless I ask the question. But then they'll know! I think I've already revealed a lot already, they all now know how miserable I really am why not reveal the last embarrassment? So yeah I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. Well actually I kind of already know the answer. All the girls I've been interested in either have no interest in me or already have boyfriends. And then when they break up with their boyfriends they just get new ones before I can do anything and then that's the end of that. I'm a good guy remember? They're happy with their new boyfriends and I'm not going to try and ruin that. After all my happiness isn't important remember? Still I'd really like to know something: am I ugly? Now I want you all to be completely, brutally honest here. Lies and sugar coating isn't going to help me. I just want an answer. Why? Because maybe if I have an answer then I can solve the problem. God do I want to solve the problem because it has pained me for so long. I've felt plenty of different types of pain before but being alone is something different altogether. There's nothing quite so pervasive, so constant and painful. It's not the dagger sharp pain of the physical but a slow poison that slowly eats you away and can make you feel worse than you've ever felt before. When I see the happiness, the completeness that my friends have when they have that special someone...man can it hurt.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!"

Anyway I think I'm going to stop here. I've already said a lot more than I intended to and this is probably going to be enough to take in. And if you're worried don't be and don't bother phoning me and asking me if I'm alright. I'll survive....I always have. And don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

Peace.

"I dreamt last night I saw you
A single spark explosion negotiating with the dead
By the bright lights in some ICU
On my chest you put your head
And said...
There you are
There you are
There's my heart"