A Hero's Worth

Man it's been awhile since I posted on my blog. Oh well hopefully there are still a few of you out there who check it from time to time. Anyways on with the show.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a good guy. In fact I'm more than just a good guy I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's a bit of a joke but most people probably don't know how serious it is. I'm a 'Good Guy' and I will always be a 'Good Guy'. I'm not quite sure how to say why I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's sort of something deep inside me. I can't not be a 'Good Guy' because not being good means being evil. There is no part of me that is able to do evil. There is no way that who I am can do evil. I just can't. I can't imagine myself doing evil. Also I don't understand evil and I don't understand why people would want to do evil. I don't understand how someone would be able to derive pleasure from harming someone else be it through theft, manipulation, or straight physical pain. I also don't understand how people who I know, who I call friends, who I care about and who I trust with my very life would want to do evil even in games. Oh I've heard all the excuses: "It's not real, it's just a game.", "Come on I'm just having some fun.", "You're taking this too seriously". Well maybe I am. But the way I see it being able to do evil in a game is just a statement about the person doing the evil. If they can do it in a game then how hard would it be for them to do it real life? I don't understand it. But maybe I don't have to.
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Being a 'Good Guy' means being different from other people. Being a 'Good Guy' is about living differently from other people. When you're good you live according what being good is about. To you things like 'Honor', 'Justice', 'Kindness', 'Loyalty', and 'Respect' and so on are more than just words they are a way of life. They are ideals that you live your life trying to exemplify. You try to embody those ideals as best that you can and even though it's difficult you still try because when you're good you have certain responsibilities. You are someone who is relied upon. You're relied upon to be good by everyone. Even when those who you know are evil they still rely upon you to be good. They rely upon you to never give on them and you don't. When you're good you don't give up on people no matter what they have done wrong. You don't give up on them and you are always ready to welcome them back with open arms and forgiveness in your heart because you know that they need someone who they can rely on to do that. They need to know that no matter what they do, no matter how far they fall there will still be someone to pick them back up, someone who is still ready to fight for them because then they can keep on fighting themselves. You don't give up on anyone because if you do then who will they have left? Why do I do this? Because someone needs to.
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When you're good you live for other people. You put everyone else before you. Their happiness, health, well-being, everything. You make certain that they are happy....even when it's hard to do. No matter how much you want to say something, to show weakness or....how you really feel if it conflicts with their happiness then you square your shoulders and put on a smile no matter how much you might hurt inside you never show it. You carry your burden alone....your happiness isn't important. If you are happy while making them happy then that's a fortunate by-product. You have to be strong so others don't have to.

Anyways that's all I really want to say....that's who I am. That's what I am. And I'm not going to change.

"You're so full of it your eyes are brown!"

You know I really ought to post more often. It's just whenever I think up something worth posting I get sidetracked. But I digress.

As many of you probably know by now I've started taking Liberal Studies classes. So far I've been enjoying myself. The classes focus on debate among other things(philosophy, history, etc.) which got me thinking about opinions. Opinions. Everyone has one which to me seems to be the problem.

You see we're taught to respect other people's opinions no matter what they are. However, this is complete bullshit the reason being is that a lot of people have bad opinions. Now we(and by we I mean myself and my friends because that's pretty much the only people who read this blog) are privileged. We are privileged to have an education and have the ability to view both sides of an issue and formulate our own opinion from the facts. We are smart, clever, and level headed. Most people are not like this. Most people are unfortunately not too smart, not too clever(are sometimes even jealous/distrustful of cleverness), and can be rather hot headed. Just because we have had the good fortune to not meet a lot of these people(or at least not meet these people recently so we have forgotten about them) does not mean that they don't exist. I'll give you an example by telling you about an argument against global warming that I've been hearing a lot recently. Apparently there can't be global warming because it's cold outside. I swear to god that that's an honest argument that's been going around. If that isn't enough then look at how mass media influences the public. It's ridiculous! And so because of this we get bad opinions. Opinions such as "All people of the Arabic culture are terrorists"(although not so eloquently put), "The holocaust never happened", "Christianity is the only true religion and if you disagree you'll go to hell", most of what republicans say, and so on and so on(feel free to remember any really stupid opinions you've ever heard).

And so even though these are bad opinions we are still told that we have to respect them. Now I'm sorry but as I said before I still think that that's complete bullshit. I mean it in turn means that we have to respect the opinion of someone who says "Let's put all the kittens of the world into blenders.". From here on I say that if we hear a stupid opinion(and I mean a really stupid opinion not something like "I prefer XBOX to the Playstation" or "I prefer Playstation to XBOX") that we all have the guts to say that whoever said the stupid opinion is full of shit. Who's with me?

"Yeah but he didn't write this fucking song."

I've been doing some thinking recently(I do that sometime) and I realized that I talk to God a lot. Now before you go and phone the nice men with the clean white coats to take me away hear me out. When I say talk to God I don't actually mean talk to God. I mean it's not like we're having a two way conversation thing. I'm talking about you know prayers and just general talking and that kind of stuff. Now what I find interesting about this is that I'm not Catholic nor do I have any big religious standpoint(except for maybe Buddhism but that's more a way of life than a religion. Heck even the Buddha said that he didn't want his teachings turned into a religion.). I pretty much just believe in God which got me thinking. God probably means different things to different people. I think everyone has their own personal God or personal envisioning of God. Personally I think God is one cool guy(yes I think God is male. If you think otherwise that's fine by me. That's your God not my God.). You know kind of like a Jerry Garcia/Tommy Chong God. In other words to me God is an old hippy and that's the way I like Him. I mean it's sort of in the beginning he was new and starting out and wanting to make an impression so there was all that fire and brimstone and smiting but now He has mellowed out. Now He's my own personal God. Now He's always there to listen whenever I'm alone and feeling down, He listens to my ranting and raving even when I'm not talking to him, He hears my prayers and if He can He helps out(and I always make certain to thank Him). Plus He doesn't really make me bother with going to church and all that. He just wants me to go through life doing what I feel is right and believe in Him. Now while some people might say that I've just created a God and that's not the right God and all that ridicoulous stuff I like the idea of having a personal God. I think everyone should have a personal God if they want it/thinks it would help them out and if they don't want a God then that's their decision. And that's my two bits on that.

Wrapping up you should all know I'm going to be able to host a party at my house in a couple of weeks since my parents are going house sitting. Also I'm going to leave you all with a link to what I think is one of the best short movies ever made(if it doesn't connect then go on Youtube and search The Hire-Beat the Devil).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nxV1Iw6PFI

When the curtain falls

They say there's a troop ship leaving today
Bound for old Blighty's shores
Heavily laden with time expired men
Back to the land they adore

There's many a bloke who's finishing his tod
And many a twerp signing on
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads bless 'em all

Bless 'em all, bless 'em all
The long and the short and the tall
Bless all the sergeants and W.O. Ones
Bless all the corp'rals and their blinking sons

For we're saying good-bye to them all
As back to the barracks we crawl
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up my lads Bless 'em all,

It's actually over. After months of rehearsal, after about over half a month's worth of performances, after a much anticipated Mainstage performance The Long, The Short, and the Tall is actually over. It's no longer quiet in the jungle, I'm no longer in the jungle. The magic has finally faded and all that's left is to put the soldiering back on the shelf and return to being a simple actor.

This play was different from all the other ones I've done so far and I can honestly say that I've never gotten as emotionally attached to a play as I did with this one in fact I think all the other guys in the cast can say the same thing. During the course of the play we became more than just fellow actors. As cheesy as it sounds we did become like brothers of sorts. Unfortunately it's really hard to explain something like this after everything has ended. All I can really explain is the loss, the hole I've been feeling ever since I got back. I'm just happy that I was able to work with who I did and I wouldn't have traded anyone on the cast for someone else. Together we were able to help each other really find out more about ourselves and what we can do as actors. Instead of being happy with being good we kept striving, kept pushing each other to be great. Together we helped make the play more real. We went into the jungle together and we all came back together.

Anyways enough of that. You're probably all wondering what Kamloops was like. Well it was good. The ride up was pretty uneventful. We took the 8:30 ferry out of Departure Bay and then just drove until we stopped for lunch at Hope. There was this nice little restaurant/cafe place that did a lunch. I think it was called the Blue Moose or something like that. Also there was a car show happening on the road in front of the restaurant so I had a look. The cars were interesting but for me when I see a car that isn't 'wow' quality then I'm just sort of 'it's a car....can we go now?'. After lunch we were back on the road again heading to Kamloops but there wasn't really much to do so I had a nap. When I woke up we were merely ten or fifteen minutes away and my god was it warm. In fact it was about as warm as it is today(35 degrees or so). Actually I think today may be warmer but that's beside the point. It was very warm. When we got into town we went to the Coast Canadian Inn and checked in. I went up to the room and it was a nice room as well. King sized bed, good clean bathroom, big TV(didn't actually watch a lot of TV while in Kamloops though). Very comfortable but I didn't have time to think about getting comfortable there were people to meet. So I went down to Sgt. O' Flaherty's pub which was beside the lobby and met up with the guys that were already here. We talked and waited for everyone else to get there and then we talked some more and had a bite to eat. O' Flaherty's was the type of pub with good pub food. Then after dinner we went and saw the stage version of 'Proof' which was very good. Before the play I actually ran into Leon and we chatted for a few minutes and after the play me and the guys went to the afterparty. We tried a little clubbing but everything was closed for some reason so we just went back to the afterparty and I headed to bed around 2:00AM.

The next day(monday) was pretty uneventful. I woke up, had some breakfast at Dennie's and then went to a Playwriting workshop that Leon was putting on. I actually learned a couple of helpful things and got a great idea for a say five-ten minute one act that I'm going to write soon. The rest of the day was pretty much official rehearsing and going over things like blocking and whatnot. Then after that was done we took a swim in the hotel swimming pool and rehearsed a little more in the hot tub and sauna. Man that sauna was hot. Then we all went to Boston Pizza and I got a medium pepperoni pizza, Jeremy and Nick shared some nachos and wings, and I forget what the other people got. A funny thing happened when we were having the leftovers packed up and Jeremy asked if he could get the left over nachos wrapped up. The waitress asked if he was sure and it turned out that it was the first time anyone had ever asked to get nachos wrapped up. We actually wound up giving the nachos to a homeless guy who mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Seriously I look over my shoulder one minute: nothing. I look over my shoulder next minute and the guy is nearly walking beside me. Crazy.

Then there was tuesday. Game day. We got to the theatre at 1:00PM and then promptly had to wait for the bloody rent-a-van to get fixed(luckily we only had to wait about fifteen minutes). Davies and Robyn were actually there to help so that was cool. We got finished at about quarter to five after much arguing and a couple of corrections. However, the finished project wound up being nearly twenty bloody feet from the edge of the stage(this was the cause for the arguing)! I mean I don't mind not having the set right at the front(sometimes it's even a bad idea) but for a play like ours you want the set to be a the front. Besides the Sagebrush theatre is bloody big(seats about 700) so having the set back nearly twenty feet just makes it even harder for the people in the back row to see us. Ah well. C'est la vie. At the very least we could bullshit that we did it on purpose to give the whole thing a feeling of solitude. It definitely had a feeling of solitude at the very least. When I was on the set the audience, the backdrop, everything seemed to fade and here we were, in the middle of the Malayan jungle in some shabby shack. Definitely freaked me out a little especially when I was looking at the backdrop, closed my eyes, and when I reopened them was looking at the jungle(not a backdrop, THE jungle). Still the play was great, WE were great, and after the play was over and there was the final blackout not one of us had a dry eye and the audience just sat there stunned for a few moments(which was exactly what I was hoping for) before breaking into applause. The feeling of walking back onto that stage and looking out into the audience was exhilirating. We had done it. We had gone to mainstage and we had given one hell of a performance. Then of course there was the after party which was loads of fun. I got roaring drunk and, since there was karaoke, sang 'Play That Funky Music'(one of the songs I'm actually good at) and all of us sang 'I Want it That Way' by the Backstreet Boys together. We were pretty bad(maybe. I actually thought we weren't half bad) but we didn't care. Unfortunately the after party ended at around 1:00AM(or maybe 1:30) so we all went back to Jesse's room and continued drinking/partying. Then we got kicked out of the room and unfortunately I lost track of everyone. They had all disappeared so I went to Dennie's. I was drunk and hungry and it was open 24 hours a day so it seemed like a good idea to me. I cackled like a bloody maniac all the way over there as well. I didn't care I was happy....and drunk. Then after Dennie's I still couldn't find anyone so I went back to my room and about 3:30 or 4:30 was woken up by the guys who had wondered where I had gone. Actually at first I let them think I was still sleeping and Jesse and Luke sang a song to me which was nice and it wasn't until Richard started talking about writing on my face that I let them know I was awake. When they found out I was actually awake they decided to let me sleep which was also nice considering we'd have to be up, dressed, and slightly coherent at 9:30 for the adjudication.

Finally there was Wednesday. The 8:30 wake up call was nasty. No man after drinking heavily and going to sleep at 3/4:30 should have to get up less than nine hours later. It's just not fair. However, we all got up(I managed to keep from puking) and got down to the adjudication which was in the lower lobby in time for 9:30. The adjudicator was named Dean and he was actually a nice guy and really funny. He went through the play with a fine tooth comb however, that meant he had really liked the play. If he hadn't liked the play he would have just gone 'yeah it was good' and that would have been it. He also helped us work on our characters as well and really get to understand them as well. He was the sort of person who didn't 'critique' but 'advised'. Instead of saying what had been wrong he said what we could do to make the play even better for next time. Unfortunately after the adjudication I had to go pack and check out since I was getting a ride back with Jeremy, his mom, and Richard's mom as well. I slept for pretty much most of the road trip and we managed to catch I think it was the 7:20 boat. Then when I finally got home I had a good cry. That's right I bawled my eyes out and I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit it! It just goes to show that it was one hell of a play and one hell of an experience and I wouldn't have traded it for the world!

So that was my trip to mainstage. It was extremely awesome and I'm very happy it happened. The only sucking part was having to go to NCO the day after I got back but then I quit on Friday so hey it's not that bad! Until next time I leave you all with a little song.

A handsome young private lay dying
At the edge of the jungle he lay
The regiment gathered around him
To hear for the last words he'd say

Take the trigger guard out of my kidney
Take the magazine out of my brain
Take the barrel from out of my backbone
And assemble my rifle again

The Importance of Being Idle

"The most persistent sound which reverberates through man’s history is the beating of war drums." —Arthur Koestler

Just finished watching 'Joyeux Noel' and all I can say is wow. For those of you who don't know about it it's about the Christmas truce that happened during WWI on 1914 and it was just beautifal.

Well a lot has certainly happened since my last post and I can happily say that most of it has been good. It's also because so much has happened that I haven't been able to post recently so now you're all going to be treated to an extra long post. I'll try to go through what has happened one after the other.

First off: my 19th birthday. Well what can I say other than it was a blast. A goodly amount of people came out to see my inauguration into legality both at the dinner and at the bars. Dinner at Fast Eddie's was delicious. I ordered a peperonni pizza and had about three fishbowls and five shots. Jordan was evil and got me a shot of Ballantine's Finest Scotch Whiskey. Everyone else was nice and got me shots that didn't taste that bad(the best was a Baja Rosa smothered in whipped cream that I had to find with my face as I wasn't allowed to use my hands.). After dinner most of the people left unfortunately for various reasons(I wave my finger at all of you who left!) but there were still a couple who stayed like Jordan, Amber, Olives....and maybe a couple of others(I'm really sorry if I forgot anyone. My judgement and memory wasn't exactly perfect at this point.) and Alleah also turned up. Then there was more drinks and my memory gets a little more hazy. I know we went to the Globe and ran into Alex which was super awesome. Then there were more drinks. Then the next thing I remember was that Alex was gone and we were at The Jungle where Jordan ordered me a shot of 151 and that made me rush outside and puke. Then we lay down in the grass on the way to Tim Horton's where Alleah grabbed a cab. So finally me and Jordan went back to his car where we smoked some weed and ate leftover pizza from Fast Eddie's and it was awesome. Then I went to bed and slept until 5:00PM the next day where I had to get up because I had a show in three hours.

Next topic is work I guess. Well when it comes to this topic there's both good news and bad news. The good news is that after weeks of searching I finally got a job. The bad news is that it's at NCO. I know that it's probably going to take my soul a little bit at a time but I figure that if I can survive until December then I can probably make roughly between 12,000 and 14,000 dollars working full-time. Also since I'm going to be living at home still(Biff's place didn't work out) I won't have to spend it on that much so I can save up and have enough money to get by as I look for a job that won't slowly kill me like Blockbuster. I'd really like to work at Blockbuster personally.

As for how I'm personally doing well I'd have to say I'm feeling pretty good. I mean even though some things didn't go as planned(such as not moving out with the other guys and having to get a job at NCO) things are going pretty good. I mean they could certainly be doing worse. Physically I feeling great as well. I've been going to the gym for the past couple of months and it's definitely starting to show. One of the most noticeable examples I find is that when I first started going to the gym I could only benchpress 50 kilograms(30 kilo bar and two ten kilo weights). Now I can benchpress 60 kilograms(30 kilo bar and two fifteen kilo weights). Plus I've lost weight. I've probably lost around seven or eight pounds so far and I'm hoping to lose even more(my current goal is to weigh less than 170. Afterwards my next goal will be to weigh less than 160 unless of course I begin to gain weight because of muscle.)

Finally there is of course theatre. As many of you probably know I been involved in a production of The Long, the Short, and the Tall up at the Ladysmith Little Theatre. Well it turns out that the production was also the Ladysmith Little Theatre's entry into the B.C. South Island Theatre Festival(the winner would get to go to mainstage in Kamloops and compete against plays from all over the province). Well awards night was last night and it was kind of harsh. One of the other plays 'Beowulf and Grendel', which was put on by the Ladysmith Secondary School definitely cleaned up when it came to the awards. They probably got six or seven awards among them being best sound, lights, and set. As for us well we only got four. We got Best Male Supporting Actor, Best Male Actor, Best Director, as well as.....Best Production THAT'S RIGHT WE WON!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO MAINSTAGE BITCHES!!!!! Bet I had a couple of you going(well probably not I mean it's easy to fool someone when you're talking to them this is writing.). Now before I continue I just need to take a moment and think for a second....I'm pretty certain I've forgot something....oh yeah WE'RE GOING TO MAINTSTAGE!!!!! Anyway Mainstage(where we're going) takes place during the last week of June and the first week of July. We're heading out on the 27th or 28th and we're performing on the 3rd of July AT MAINSTAGE!!!!!(okay I'll stop now.)

Well that's about it at the moment. I'm pretty certain I haven't forgotten anything except WE'RE GOING TO MAINSTAGE!!!!!(Sorry. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.) So until next time I hope you all are doing great, do great, feel great and don't forget to take a ride on the CA-RAZZY train!

19th Birthday!

As many of you are aware of I am turning 19 next Wednesday(May 9) so in celebration there is going to be(I'm hoping) a big birthday dinner at Fast Eddie's on the night before we all go clubbing. I want everyone to be there and I mean everyone. When you read this post phone up everyone and tell them. I want everyone there for dinner(and of course for the barring afterwards).

So don't forget:

Fast Eddie's, May 9th, at 7:00PM.

Be there!

P.S. I told some of you that there would be paintball to celebrate my 19th. However, this has been cancelled as there are apparently no paintball fields in Nanaimo(believe me I checked.). Hell even Cyber City doesn't do paintball anymore. So my apologies. Now come to the dinner!

Proudly Politically Incorrect

During the middle of the 20th century(around the 50s and 60s) there were recorded accounts in the U.S.A. of people being beaten to death by mobs for seeming to support communism just because they wore red without the white and blue.

Killer label: Communist

During the beginning of the 21st century there have been recorded accounts of people's reputation, integrity, careers, and lives be completely ruined just for saying a single word.

Killer label: Sexist or racist

Can you spot the difference? Because I sure as hell can't.

You know there's nothing that really pisses me off more than the whole PC thing being taken too far. I mean I can understand the whole concept of preaching respect and tolerance but then the same people turn around and rip into people just for saying a single word like nigger(oh my god did he actually write that?) or bitch(you can't say that!) on any form of public communication. I mean these are the same people who also advocate free speech. Am I the only one in which the word 'hypocrite' comes to mind?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating the casual use of racist or sexist comments in a negative fashion but in my opinion it's these PC cultists that are more of a problem then some 70 or 80 year old guy who says 'nappy-headed ho'(if you don't get the reference then wikipedia Don Imus').

I'll give you an example: in the eyes of the PC cultists people who use said comments are automatically ignorant, racist/sexist, assholes who should ran out of town on a rail(more or less). Well guess what: I'm both sexist and slightly racist. That's right good old James is an ignorant, racist and sexist asshole. Here's how I'm sexist: I like male heroes in video games and movies. Then don't have to be seven foot, muscular, manly men but they do have to be male. When I checked out the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic video game series on Wookiepedia(that's a wikipedia which focuses on Star Wars) I was happy to find that in the first game the main character is supposed to be male and then was aggravated when I found that the main character in the second one is supposed to be female. In video games I never play female characters if I can avoid it. However, I have absolutely no problem with there being main female characters in the game who fight alongside you just as long as they're not the main main character.

The same goes for movies as well. I like my main characters to be male. I was extremely pissed off that I found that the main character in Silent Hill was going to be female, in fact the same thing happened with Resident Evil. I outright refused to see Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet mainly because the main character was female and in my opinion they could have easily have had male main characters. If the movies had had male main characters I would probably have thought that they looked like kick-ass, mindless action movies. But don't get me wrong. I don't mind female main characters. I like Kill Bill, the Alien Movies, POTC, and so on. It just bugs me when movies have a female main character when they could have easily had a male.

As for how I'm racist well as some of you know when me and Jordan get high we'll toss around 'nigger' like there's no tomorrow. We think up racial jokes and laugh at them. Why? Because they're funny! Because racism is funny! Just listen nearly any black comedian and they'll have some racist humor in they're routines but of course it's allright for them to be racist because they're black. They're allowed. It's just if you're white that all of a sudden making racist jokes become a big deal. Anyone thinking of the word 'hypocrite' again? Also I personally have a lower opinion of lower class natives. Now when I say lower class natives I don't mean all natives. There are some natives that I've met that I quite liked. It's just some natives I meet just seem to be lower class. They're kind of like the native version of poor, white, trash(actually I guess I'm more against poor trash than just native poor trash.). Also I hate hardcore racists. Boy do I hate those fuckers. Neo-nazis, skinheads, KKKers, the whole lot. I'd do a drive-by from here to Texas if I could.

So there you go. If any of you wish to call me sexist, racist, ignorant, chauvinistic, etc. go ahead. I'm honestly not going to give a shit. In fact if someone I know calls me anything like that my respect and opinion of them is really going to drop because these opinions aren't new. I've thought this way for years but I've always been good, old, James. I haven't changed. It's just your opinion of me that's going to change.

In closing I want to present you all with a link to a site which has a long list of racist slurs. I would have put them on this post but the list is too damn long. Hopefully you'll realize that they're just words and it's the assholes who put the purpose behind them that you have to blame you god damn crackers/niggers/wops/nips/chinks/sand niggers/spicks/curry-munchers/red skinned devils(not to be confused with curry-munchers)/and gooks.

http://gyral.blackshell.com/names.html

'Nuff Said

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to go to the mall and just stand in the middle of the crowd and as hundreds of people move around me I see...everything. I watch them all lose their individuality and become a face in the crowd. I watch them as they look but don't see. I watch as they eventually just become a blur as I stand there, alone, in the middle of a crowd. The only person in a flood of people and for a few moments I feel at peace as I take a moment to stop and look instead of just walking forward through life.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression

Sometimes I close my eyes and let the music envelope me. I close my eyes and as I am surrounded by darkness the music becomes shining points in the inky blackness. I feel the notes swirl in the air around me and I can feel the beat reach down into my soul. The words flow through my soul and it picks me up as the song plays on. The meaning behind the music becomes crystal clear and then this music starts to come from me. I become part of the song and for a few minutes I'm at peace, I'm in the eye of the storm as the music swirls around me.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Sometimes I go for a walk at night and I stand in shadows looking at the world around me. I fade into the background as I have done so many times before and I let my consciousness expand. I listen to the sounds of the night. I listen to the sounds of traffic. The hum of the streetlights. I listen to the whispering wind. I listen to the thousand different, individual sounds that make up life. I look at the darkness and look at the light and I think of myself. I think of myself as I stand between the darkness and light. I think of all the good I want to do and all the evil I am tempted to do. I do all this and for a few minutes I'm at peace as I become one with the world around me.

I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Why that's Mysterious Mose!

There's a man of mystery that's roaming through the land,
Far and near you hear of him; he's found on every hand;
Every city, town and village knows of him by now!
There's a way to recognize him; let me tell you how:

Now if your path at midnight dark, by a graveyard goes,
And someone whistles, "Whoooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

For on some dark and stormy night, while the tempest blows,
If someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, he knows all; he's gets in everywhere;
Now some night, he might, wait for you upon the stair!

So when you're going down the cellar, walk upon your toes,
And if someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

Wakes from the sleep, by the 'peep peep peep', of a flute from down below
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

Now if at dawn, on an early morn, a trumpet softly blows
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, knows all, perhaps a clarinet,
or a base horn, or anything that he can get

He plays on every instrument but there's just one tune he knows
When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IggJh1lXzaI

merely truth....

There's something wrong with me. I'm not quite certain what it is. All I know for certain is that I'm not right in the head. I'm not normal. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. That whatever I try to do will always fail somehow for one reason or another. Also throughout my whole time in college I have been afflicted by a feeling of enmity though there is no reason for it. I can be laughing and smiling one second and then choking back words filled of hate and rage. Sometimes I want to scream and swear and shout and cry all at the same time and why? I don't know. I've never known. So far I've been able to mostly control myself except for the occasional outbursts that are dismissed as mere tantrums but each time that I chain my anger and force the smiling mask back onto my face I can't help but think of the release that would come from once....just once letting the beast get control and run rampant. But I won't. Because I can't. Because I know that if I allow myself to be weak just once then what I say and what I do will be remembered and will not be forgiven... at least fully. Because there will always be the knowledge that behind the eyes of the people that I talk to the memory of my words and actions will continously be fresh in their mind as they also don their smiling masks. But there are times where I do feel weak and there are times where I just want to end it all. But I can't. I can't leave like that because I know that there are people out there who love me and I could never hurt them like that. When I stop living for myself anymore I can at the very least live for someone else.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've never wanted to burden anyone else with this knowledge. I suppose I'm hoping that actually talking about it will make it better, will make me better but I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of being awkward, I'm tired of being strange, I'm tired of being the joker, I'm tired of being me. I suppose that's why I wrap myself up in the books, in the plays, and in the games. I'm trying to escape all the while fervently wishing I could be who I've always thought I was deep down instead of who I am. But it is a fool who wraps himself in dreams as unsubstantial as the morning dew and a fool who will find nothing but the harshness of reality peeling away the dreams to reveal the ugly truth.

All I ask is for those who read this not to label it as a rant, a cry for help, a need for pity, or a mere 'emo' post, or anything of the sort. This is how I feel. This is merely truth. This is merely my truth.

Alcohol:Is it nice? & Hard Work:Should we Do it?

You know it's going to be a long day when you have to get up early in the morning to dig a trench. That's pretty much what I've been doing all day: digging a trench. I've had to dig through dirt all day, I've had to dig through concrete all day, I've had to dig a trench ALL DAMN DAY! Needless to say it was not a fun experience which started at the wonderful hour of 10:00AM(I know to some of you that's not so early but I did stay up until around 3:30AM playing D&D) but now at least it's done. I think the worst part was the reason that I was digging the trench. The whole point of the trench is, get this, so my dad can wash his cars. You heard me right. The reason I was digging the trench, or at least the reason I was given, was so my dad could have an easier time washing his cars. Now call me Mr. Silly but I think it would be easier to just get a second hose. But I digress. Like I said before it's done now and I can get on with the day.

Speaking of days as we all know St. Patty's day is nearly upon us(it's next Saturday people!) so I am of course also busy preparing for the day. I've nearly got my whole green outfit ready and I'm working on supplies. I plan to only eat and drink Guinness on that day(allright I'll probably switch to other alcohols if I run out of Guinness but hopefully that won't happen)....okay that's actually exaggeration. I think it would kind of difficult for me to spend a day only on Guinness. Maybe in a year or two I'll be able to do it but unfortunately not this year. Anyways that's about all I've got on my mind at the moment so remember: don't forget to take a ride on the CA-RAZZY train.

Peace out!

Add: One Dog

Well we know have a dog in our family. Yep you read right. To be honest it's still taking a little time for it to sink in with me as well. He's a five year old mix of golden retriever and Aussie sheep dog. His name is Tiki and he's got long, wiry, white hair. He's really nice and extremelly well trained which is cool. We got him yesterday when my folks saw a notice for a free dog somewhere I don't know where. We phoned up the owner and went to go and take a look. When we got there we all decided that he was perfect for the house. The owner must have thought that we were coming to pick him up and bring him home with us even though we were just going to have a look. However, we decided that it would be easier for her if we took Tiki at that moment because it was obvious she was attached to him and didn't want to see him go even though she had to(she was an old woman and she couldn't keep up with Tiki anymore) so we loaded him up and took him home with us.

Tiki's already gotten used to the house. That surprised me since I thought that he'd mope around for a few days before getting used to us but he seemed fine with us as a new family after an hour or so. The only sticking point is that my cat is not happy about the whole thing. We're going to try to wean her to Tiki but it's obvious that it's going to take a lot of work to get used to the fact that we now have a dog. She's been hiding all day so far(she came out of hiding for a bit yesterday) and there's not really much we can do except wait for her to come out of hiding. So yeah the next time you come to my house expect to meet a dog.

P.S.

Okay I can't figure out how to edit blog posts so I'll just add it here. If any of you guys write about me in your 'ten truths about ten people'(gee that sounds like a title for a play) thing then TELL me. I'm not good at figuring these things out...except for Kylan's. So please spare me a lot of head scratching and brain hurting and just tell me if you wrote about me. I promise I won't be aggravated, aggitated, or infuriated or anything like that.

.....but I still love all of ya.

I know I haven't updated my blog in awhile. The reason for this is that I usually see most of you nearly every day so if I need to say or talk about something then I'll just say or talk about it. Plus I'm not really that good at publicly talking about my feelings unless they pertain to things like zombie or vampires or whatever. However, there's been this whole 'ten things about ten people thing' going around so I figure that that's something I can put up. The only problem is that I can't really think of ten things at the minute so give me a little time......wait for it......okay I think I got something.

1. We know she's perfect. We've been hearing that she's been perfect for nearly two god damn years. Enough already!(this one's actually for multiple people)

2. You need to chill out. I mean seriously chill out. Try cutting down on the caffeine or smoke a joint or do whatever you got to do but just chill. Here try this: breathe in, breathe out, take a moment to go ahh, and repeat.

3. You seem to have forgotten when not to say things. While we all value your two cents we don't need to hear with every second sentence that is spoken.

4. I'm sorry but I just don't find you as funny as other people do. I mean whenever you get a load of laughs I can't help but think 'oh he's just being himself' but you know I still love you.

5. You're a hardass sometimes but you know when you're being a hardass and it's probably a good thing that you're a hardass or else we'd just goof off all the time when we should be concentrating on the play.

6. I really don't know what happened to you. You seemed normal when we first met but now...well now's...different and it's sometimes hard to be around you.

7. We've been friends for years and that is one of things that makes me as happy as I am. You've been there during both the good times and the bad times and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything in the world.

8. You're a great person and I'm certain that we'll both learn how to share #7.

9. I love how I can be random around you and then you'll join in. I mean that's just awesome cabron.

10. This may sound naieve(probably spelled that wrong) to some people but all is forgiven and I still think of you as a good friend.

Well that's ten. To those who I said something negative to remember that I still love everyone and the things I said are just little things that bug me. Trust I'm not harboring any intense hatreds for anyone and when I become the next dictator you'll all be spared I promise(except for you Jordan but we both talked about it and we're both fine with it). I'll try to update more often in the future but until then don't forget to take a ride on the CA-RAZZY train. Peace out!

"Well at least I've still got legs."

Bah I say. Bah! Today I took my (second) driving test and guess what...yep I failed again. However, at least this time I didn't completely fail it was more like I barely failed. I forgot to do some stuff like use my parking brake(who regularly uses a parking brake? I mean really) and shoulder check properly(but I've got make certain that there's no one on my left side...even if I'm turning right) and I took two turns a little fast(I didn't see the slow to 30 sign honest!). Apart from that I did okay I think. I'm going to get some official lessons so I'll be ready for my next test on the 3oth.

I guess what really bugs me about not being able to drive is that as long as I've got my 'L' I can't really ask a girl out on a date. I mean think about it: when you've got a car you can just be 'I'll pick you up at (whatever time you choose)' but if you don't have a car then it's something like 'I'll be at your house at (whatever time is needed) and we can take the 44 to Country Club and....' well you get the picture. It's ridiculous! You can't ask a girl out like that. It's just not cool man.

But as they say third time is the charm and it better be or else ICBC is going to get a bomb in the mail. I remember the good old days when you just went in there, took the test, and you had your license. Bada bing, bada bang, bada boom. Then of course morons who were unfortunately mostly in our age group had to fuck it up by getting in accidents through drinking and driving which of course led to getting themselves killed(personally I think that's Darwin's law in action) so now we all have to go through this shit because of the stupid few. This of course pisses me off to no end because I can actually drive well. I drive at least four or five times a week(albeit with my dad) and I do a damn fine job. My dad thinks I do a damn fine job. It's just when I take the test I screw up a bit because I'm trying to remember all the stuff I'm supposed to do instead of just driving(I know. I know. You're all thinking I should just relax and for the most part I do. Unfortunately I still screw up. Probably because the whole thing is so official.)

You know I personally look at driving the way I look at Stagecraft. I can help build a set. I can't remember half(alright more like 90%) of the terms from the first year but whenever we're building a set I'm there doing the jobs that people tell me to do(actually it's more like I'm there when we're forced to be there. I'm going to help out more this production I promise!). As for driving I can drive well. I can drive rather well in fact but I sometimes forget things like shoulder checks(still use my mirrors though!) and I can get a bit of a heavy foot(who doesn't?) and yada yada yada.

And there you have it: my rant on driving. I've got to say I feel better after writing and I'm definitely going to feel better later tonight when I spend some quality time with a friend of mine. I'll tell you all about him later on but until then I'll say a few things. First off he's a prince of a small island off the mainland, second he's blue, and third you underestimate him at your own risk.

So until next time stay funky, don't forget to take a ride on the crazy train, and, of course, I pray you not to disturb my circles.

Peace!