Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to go to the mall and just stand in the middle of the crowd and as hundreds of people move around me I see...everything. I watch them all lose their individuality and become a face in the crowd. I watch them as they look but don't see. I watch as they eventually just become a blur as I stand there, alone, in the middle of a crowd. The only person in a flood of people and for a few moments I feel at peace as I take a moment to stop and look instead of just walking forward through life.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression

Sometimes I close my eyes and let the music envelope me. I close my eyes and as I am surrounded by darkness the music becomes shining points in the inky blackness. I feel the notes swirl in the air around me and I can feel the beat reach down into my soul. The words flow through my soul and it picks me up as the song plays on. The meaning behind the music becomes crystal clear and then this music starts to come from me. I become part of the song and for a few minutes I'm at peace, I'm in the eye of the storm as the music swirls around me.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Sometimes I go for a walk at night and I stand in shadows looking at the world around me. I fade into the background as I have done so many times before and I let my consciousness expand. I listen to the sounds of the night. I listen to the sounds of traffic. The hum of the streetlights. I listen to the whispering wind. I listen to the thousand different, individual sounds that make up life. I look at the darkness and look at the light and I think of myself. I think of myself as I stand between the darkness and light. I think of all the good I want to do and all the evil I am tempted to do. I do all this and for a few minutes I'm at peace as I become one with the world around me.

I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Why that's Mysterious Mose!

There's a man of mystery that's roaming through the land,
Far and near you hear of him; he's found on every hand;
Every city, town and village knows of him by now!
There's a way to recognize him; let me tell you how:

Now if your path at midnight dark, by a graveyard goes,
And someone whistles, "Whoooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

For on some dark and stormy night, while the tempest blows,
If someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, he knows all; he's gets in everywhere;
Now some night, he might, wait for you upon the stair!

So when you're going down the cellar, walk upon your toes,
And if someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

Wakes from the sleep, by the 'peep peep peep', of a flute from down below
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

Now if at dawn, on an early morn, a trumpet softly blows
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, knows all, perhaps a clarinet,
or a base horn, or anything that he can get

He plays on every instrument but there's just one tune he knows
When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IggJh1lXzaI

merely truth....

There's something wrong with me. I'm not quite certain what it is. All I know for certain is that I'm not right in the head. I'm not normal. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. That whatever I try to do will always fail somehow for one reason or another. Also throughout my whole time in college I have been afflicted by a feeling of enmity though there is no reason for it. I can be laughing and smiling one second and then choking back words filled of hate and rage. Sometimes I want to scream and swear and shout and cry all at the same time and why? I don't know. I've never known. So far I've been able to mostly control myself except for the occasional outbursts that are dismissed as mere tantrums but each time that I chain my anger and force the smiling mask back onto my face I can't help but think of the release that would come from once....just once letting the beast get control and run rampant. But I won't. Because I can't. Because I know that if I allow myself to be weak just once then what I say and what I do will be remembered and will not be forgiven... at least fully. Because there will always be the knowledge that behind the eyes of the people that I talk to the memory of my words and actions will continously be fresh in their mind as they also don their smiling masks. But there are times where I do feel weak and there are times where I just want to end it all. But I can't. I can't leave like that because I know that there are people out there who love me and I could never hurt them like that. When I stop living for myself anymore I can at the very least live for someone else.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've never wanted to burden anyone else with this knowledge. I suppose I'm hoping that actually talking about it will make it better, will make me better but I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of being awkward, I'm tired of being strange, I'm tired of being the joker, I'm tired of being me. I suppose that's why I wrap myself up in the books, in the plays, and in the games. I'm trying to escape all the while fervently wishing I could be who I've always thought I was deep down instead of who I am. But it is a fool who wraps himself in dreams as unsubstantial as the morning dew and a fool who will find nothing but the harshness of reality peeling away the dreams to reveal the ugly truth.

All I ask is for those who read this not to label it as a rant, a cry for help, a need for pity, or a mere 'emo' post, or anything of the sort. This is how I feel. This is merely truth. This is merely my truth.

Alcohol:Is it nice? & Hard Work:Should we Do it?

You know it's going to be a long day when you have to get up early in the morning to dig a trench. That's pretty much what I've been doing all day: digging a trench. I've had to dig through dirt all day, I've had to dig through concrete all day, I've had to dig a trench ALL DAMN DAY! Needless to say it was not a fun experience which started at the wonderful hour of 10:00AM(I know to some of you that's not so early but I did stay up until around 3:30AM playing D&D) but now at least it's done. I think the worst part was the reason that I was digging the trench. The whole point of the trench is, get this, so my dad can wash his cars. You heard me right. The reason I was digging the trench, or at least the reason I was given, was so my dad could have an easier time washing his cars. Now call me Mr. Silly but I think it would be easier to just get a second hose. But I digress. Like I said before it's done now and I can get on with the day.

Speaking of days as we all know St. Patty's day is nearly upon us(it's next Saturday people!) so I am of course also busy preparing for the day. I've nearly got my whole green outfit ready and I'm working on supplies. I plan to only eat and drink Guinness on that day(allright I'll probably switch to other alcohols if I run out of Guinness but hopefully that won't happen)....okay that's actually exaggeration. I think it would kind of difficult for me to spend a day only on Guinness. Maybe in a year or two I'll be able to do it but unfortunately not this year. Anyways that's about all I've got on my mind at the moment so remember: don't forget to take a ride on the CA-RAZZY train.

Peace out!