Truth is not beauty nor beauty truth. The truth is ugly, nasty, mean, and not fair.
***
Here's a shiny red ball
Isn't it nice and shiny?
Take a closer look
Forget about global warming
Forget about the upcoming depression
Forget about the increasing possibility of WWIII
Forget that the corporations just want your money
Forget that there's modern slavery worldwide
Forget that the politicians don't care about you
Forget that the rules don't make sense anymore
Forget that you could die tomorrow
You have a shiny red ball
Aren't you happy?

* * *
If you had a gun in your hand who would you shoot first?
* * *
Why do we look after our sick and handicapped? Human beings are the only ones to do this. In the wild they would have been quickly killed off in infancy and no one would care. It'd just be part of the whole 'survival of the fittest'. Nature's law. If a horse broke it's leg then we'd probably put it down. If any farm animal was born malformed or different it would be killed. If any animal anywhere was born sick or handicapped it would die. Perfectly natural. But no we have to look after them. We have to humor them and smile and pretend that they're not different, that there's nothing wrong with them. But there is. And of course then there are those who are allergic to...well everything. There are people who are so allergic to peanut butter that they can't be around someone who's had it in the last two days. There are those who are allergic to sunlight, to water, to the things a human being needs to survive. And we're supposed to make due for these people. Am I the only one that is sick of putting the fake smile on their face? Am I the only that thinks that the only way the human race will evolve is to cut the weak from the strong? Does this make me a monster? Well no actually. Darwin thought the same thing. Look at him. He's considered a genius.

Let there be a culling of the human race. Let the strong survive.
* * *
All my life I've tried to put a smile on my face. All my life I've tried to remain optimistic and strong. And what has this gotten me? My parents have been divorced(now twice), my father is dead, my grandfather is dead, my uncle is dying of cancer, my friend and first acting instructor is dead, I was verbally picked on and beaten for five straight years of my life, before I had even reached double digits I wanted to kill myself, and now we have to move again. And you want me to be positive? You want me to smile? You want me to listen to you bitch about your problems and tell you that everything will be okay?

You don't know how fucking lucky you are.
* * *
My face is too boyish? My face is too boyish?! That's why this happened?! All that waiting, all that exercising, all that hard work for nothing because my face is too boyish?! Maybe if I use the kitchen knife to put a few scars on my face then it won't be as boyish!

A quick reminder

We're all fucked. It's important to remember that.

Clearing a Few Things Up

I thought I should probably right another post to clarify things about the last one(although I kind of doubt anyone's read it yet. If you haven't feel free to scroll down but I warn you it is long.) just so people would get the whole picture. When I wrote that post I was feeling depressed so I probably made it more depressing than I meant to. However, I'm not going to say that what I wrote wasn't the truth. It was the truth. I feel all those things I wrote about: I'm not happy with myself and the way I look. However, I am also doing things to improve myself. I've been working out a lot and have made it to some goals that I had laid out, I'm learning to play the guitar, I'm wanting to take Judo classes(unfortunately they're a bit expensive most of my money is going toward tuition), etc. So while I'm not happy with who I am and how I look I'm also trying to fix it.

The thing is we all feel these self doubts and self criticisms about ourselves. I doubt that there is anyone normal out there who is completely happy with who they are or how they look. It's just part of being human I suppose plus nowadays mass media has forced the idea of perfection down our throat and, let's face it, while it's easy to seem perfect in commercials and such it's impossible to be perfect in real life. Anyways while we all have these self criticisms the important thing is how we deal with them. We can either try to block them out through various methods such as self-medication(pot is my self-medication), or we can let them control or lives and be absolutely miserable, or we can do a thousand different things. Me? I keep my self criticisms locked up tight inside. I don't tell anyone about them and instead try to pretend like everything's going great all the time even though I could feeling like absolute shit. Why? I don't want to bother other people with my problems. That's kind of funny when you think about it. I really want to help people with their problems but I don't want people helping me with mine. Well that's not true. I would like people to help me with my problems I just don't want to tell anyone about my problems. I don't want to burden them with unnecessary worrying over me. I figure people have got enough problems of their own why should I bother them with my problems. Of course then things just build out and I need to find a release...such as writing a really long post about how miserable I am at the moment.

Anyway I figured I'd just clear things up. Like I said before feel free to read the post before this. It'll make this one make more sense.

Musings From An Untidy Mind

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted anything. The problem is that I'm usually sidetracked. It's like "Well I sit down and take the time to write something or I could go for some instant gratification like get high and watch a movie." and then I go get high and watch a movie. Actually that's a good starting topic.

I've known for a long time I've been addicted to pot. It used to be just a casual thing but now I know that it's in all probability addiction. I usually get high every day, sometimes multiple times, and, while still possible, I know that it'd be really hard for me to go cold turkey. After all I really like getting stoned. Stoned is just a nice place for me to be. I'm relaxed, happy, all the usual self doubts and criticisms are gone, food tastes good and it helps me sleep. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm an addict. Luckily right now I don't have to quit because even though I'm an addict I'm also a functioning addict. I work two steady jobs in which I'm almost never late and my bosses and co-workers enjoy working with me and are satisfied with my level of work, I'm saving up to go to what is probably my last year at university after which I will graduate with, at the very least, a Bachelor's in Liberal Studies, I'm in relatively good shape(at least I like to think I am), I file my taxes, etc. I function. So I don't have to quit right now.

I went and saw Matthew Good live on June 29th(I'm not really going to try and segue from one topic to another mainly because I can't think of ways right now) and man was it worth it. I do not regret going to the concert in any way. I've always been a fan of Matt Good. When I was a kid I remember Matt Good being the only 'cool' music I liked. At the time the only other music I was really into was Elton John. The music was incredible. Because of the volume it was like being in the center of a musical tornado. The opening band was The Spades and they were also extremely awesome. I thought they had a Stones/Tragically Hip thing going but then they just became so much more. Me, Ky, and Jordan went to meet the lead singer and they got to go up and talk to them because they bought Spades swag which they could get signed. I got a Matt Good t-shirt that I wanted to get signed but Ky told me that it would weird. I regret not talking and now know that I could have at least gone up and said that he was awesome. Matt Good was incredible. He wasn't wearing his traditional glasses but he didn't seem bitter like I was told he had been in the concert in Vancouver. He and his band broke out into some jazz which was just awesome. I mean it's like they're doing the concert and it's like "Let's now do some jazz just because".

Still I'm told that lately Matt Good has been depressed because he's gotten divorced and he's bipolar(hey I was able to segue into this). I actually found out that he is also bipolar. All the people I've told so far didn't know it. He needs something to fill the hole in his heart. You know when I first said after the concert I was laughed at...well maybe not laughed at but the comment caused some amusement. But I still believe that and you know I wish that I could help fill that hole. I wish that I could have gone to his trailer and just been able to sit and talk with him for an hour or two and try and help him get through what he was going through. Like that would ever happen. But it's still nice to dream from time to time. And it's not just that I wish I could help Matt Good. I wish I could help more people get through their problems. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be able to help people? Unfortunately I'm probably one of the last people qualified to do that. I'd probably say the wrong thing or screw up somehow. But I still wish I could help people.

"You know it's true
There's nothing I can do
Pick a fight, it's just you being right
Walk away, there's nothing I can say
You know it's true
There's nothing I can do about you"

I recently saw 'The Karate Kid' on television recently. Hopefully you guys still remember 'The Karate Kid'. Personally it was one of my favorites as a kid. As a kid I always liked the movies in which the underdog would rise up. I think it was mainly because I was the underdog. Unfortunately that never happened to me. Most of you probably don't know this(if you do then I'm going to feel really stupid over 'revealing' this) but I was bullied a lot as a kid. Five years straight. Grade 3-7 of straight bullying. Five years of wishing that I didn't have to go to school, of being afraid of going to school. And you know what there were times when I wanted to kill myself because. Yeah. That's right. A little 9-10 year old kid thinking about killing himself. I didn't even know that it was called suicide at that point. Maybe it was because I had glasses or because I was smart or different I don't know. I was never given a reason and I never got an old asian guy to teach me karate. I think that's what gave me such strong feelings over the whole good and evil thing. Because I know what it's like to be oppressed. I know what it's like when those that are stronger than you decide to kick you around for amusement because they're stronger than you. So don't expect me to understand the attractiveness of being evil because I already know what it's like when the strong are evil and it isn't fun. Luckily though all that shit ended when I got into High School. And I suppose I should consider myself lucky. After all that kind of shit can really screw up a person especially when you're a kid. Me? I just a near obsession with justice, courage, and heroism.

You know I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with who I am and the way I look and this isn't a little thing either. I actually sometimes think I have a serious self-esteem problem. I wish I wasn't awkward, I wish I was in better shape, I wish I didn't have a gnomish nose and big lips, I wish my face was thinner. I wish I was more photogenic. There are nearly no photos of myself that I like. For nearly all of them I look bad in some way. If I'm trying to be serious I look ridiculous, if I'm trying to be funny I look stupid...actually I look stupid in most of them. There just aren't many pictures that I can look at and say I'm happy with them. Hell I look stupid in most of my head shots for crying out loud. I don't look good in any of the ones in which I'm smiling. Why do I have to be the one with a stupid smile?! Why did I have to be given the short end of the stick when it came to looks?!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I suppose one of the main reasons I smoke pot is so I don't have to think about this stuff. I just wish I could have answers to some of these questions. Another one is....no nobody wants to hear that shit....still why not just get it off my chest? I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. No forget about this nobody wants to hear me moaning about that. But I'm never going to get an answer unless I ask the question. But then they'll know! I think I've already revealed a lot already, they all now know how miserable I really am why not reveal the last embarrassment? So yeah I wish I knew why I've never had a girlfriend. Well actually I kind of already know the answer. All the girls I've been interested in either have no interest in me or already have boyfriends. And then when they break up with their boyfriends they just get new ones before I can do anything and then that's the end of that. I'm a good guy remember? They're happy with their new boyfriends and I'm not going to try and ruin that. After all my happiness isn't important remember? Still I'd really like to know something: am I ugly? Now I want you all to be completely, brutally honest here. Lies and sugar coating isn't going to help me. I just want an answer. Why? Because maybe if I have an answer then I can solve the problem. God do I want to solve the problem because it has pained me for so long. I've felt plenty of different types of pain before but being alone is something different altogether. There's nothing quite so pervasive, so constant and painful. It's not the dagger sharp pain of the physical but a slow poison that slowly eats you away and can make you feel worse than you've ever felt before. When I see the happiness, the completeness that my friends have when they have that special someone...man can it hurt.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!"

Anyway I think I'm going to stop here. I've already said a lot more than I intended to and this is probably going to be enough to take in. And if you're worried don't be and don't bother phoning me and asking me if I'm alright. I'll survive....I always have. And don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

Peace.

"I dreamt last night I saw you
A single spark explosion negotiating with the dead
By the bright lights in some ICU
On my chest you put your head
And said...
There you are
There you are
There's my heart"

Life

Life. Life is full of everything. It's full of possibilities, full of hardships, full of good times, full of bad times, full of strange times, full of boring times. It's full of everything. It's easy to get thrust into life. We don't plan it or ask for it it just happens. However, it's when we get into life that things get interesting. For me life is a vacation for the soul. The whole point is to live it!

Nowhere else except for life can we experience what we do. When we're alive we are subjected to the most incredible sights, the most exotic sounds, the most interesting smells, and the most powerful emotions. We get to eat, breathe, relax, work hard, exercise, love, hate, etc. Nowhere else do we get to do these things. During our lives we get to do as much as we possibly can. We get to experience both good times and bad times. Unfortunately sometimes we forget how integral the bad times are. Think of it this way: if there were no bad times then how would we know how good the good times are?

Life is full of good things and bad things. Life is full of miracles, and adventures, and perfect moments, and happiness, and joy, and love. It's also full of tragedies, and terrible moments, and hate, and fear. But these things are just different sides of the same coin. The coin of life. And you certainly wouldn't be able to live life to the fullest without the whole coin.

I recently had a perfect moment. On Thursday I went to the Valentine's dinner at Fast Eddie's. Many of my friends were there. There was Michelle, Kylan, Eryn, Rilan, Kelcey, Jordan, Crowder, Martha, Matt, and possibly others(if I forgot anyone I apologize). Before we left me, Kylan, Crowder, and Jordan smoked a second dynasty(generation) joint. Then we went there and we had dinner. The perfect moment didn't come during dinner, it came after. I sat back in my chair after eating around half of my meal completely stuffed. And I just sat there and listened to the conversations which were travelling around the table and thought "I am full and surrounded by friends. I am happy" and that was the perfect moment. Everyone in the world should be able to have a moment like that.

I know I am blessed in my life. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I'm not going to do a list in which I thank my friends for certain things because I love you all equally and completely. You're the ones that help me remember the good times when things are bad. You're the ones that pick me up when I'm down. You're my friends.

"42"-Douglas Adams

A Hero's Worth

Man it's been awhile since I posted on my blog. Oh well hopefully there are still a few of you out there who check it from time to time. Anyways on with the show.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a good guy. In fact I'm more than just a good guy I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's a bit of a joke but most people probably don't know how serious it is. I'm a 'Good Guy' and I will always be a 'Good Guy'. I'm not quite sure how to say why I'm a 'Good Guy'. It's sort of something deep inside me. I can't not be a 'Good Guy' because not being good means being evil. There is no part of me that is able to do evil. There is no way that who I am can do evil. I just can't. I can't imagine myself doing evil. Also I don't understand evil and I don't understand why people would want to do evil. I don't understand how someone would be able to derive pleasure from harming someone else be it through theft, manipulation, or straight physical pain. I also don't understand how people who I know, who I call friends, who I care about and who I trust with my very life would want to do evil even in games. Oh I've heard all the excuses: "It's not real, it's just a game.", "Come on I'm just having some fun.", "You're taking this too seriously". Well maybe I am. But the way I see it being able to do evil in a game is just a statement about the person doing the evil. If they can do it in a game then how hard would it be for them to do it real life? I don't understand it. But maybe I don't have to.
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Being a 'Good Guy' means being different from other people. Being a 'Good Guy' is about living differently from other people. When you're good you live according what being good is about. To you things like 'Honor', 'Justice', 'Kindness', 'Loyalty', and 'Respect' and so on are more than just words they are a way of life. They are ideals that you live your life trying to exemplify. You try to embody those ideals as best that you can and even though it's difficult you still try because when you're good you have certain responsibilities. You are someone who is relied upon. You're relied upon to be good by everyone. Even when those who you know are evil they still rely upon you to be good. They rely upon you to never give on them and you don't. When you're good you don't give up on people no matter what they have done wrong. You don't give up on them and you are always ready to welcome them back with open arms and forgiveness in your heart because you know that they need someone who they can rely on to do that. They need to know that no matter what they do, no matter how far they fall there will still be someone to pick them back up, someone who is still ready to fight for them because then they can keep on fighting themselves. You don't give up on anyone because if you do then who will they have left? Why do I do this? Because someone needs to.
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When you're good you live for other people. You put everyone else before you. Their happiness, health, well-being, everything. You make certain that they are happy....even when it's hard to do. No matter how much you want to say something, to show weakness or....how you really feel if it conflicts with their happiness then you square your shoulders and put on a smile no matter how much you might hurt inside you never show it. You carry your burden alone....your happiness isn't important. If you are happy while making them happy then that's a fortunate by-product. You have to be strong so others don't have to.

Anyways that's all I really want to say....that's who I am. That's what I am. And I'm not going to change.

"You're so full of it your eyes are brown!"

You know I really ought to post more often. It's just whenever I think up something worth posting I get sidetracked. But I digress.

As many of you probably know by now I've started taking Liberal Studies classes. So far I've been enjoying myself. The classes focus on debate among other things(philosophy, history, etc.) which got me thinking about opinions. Opinions. Everyone has one which to me seems to be the problem.

You see we're taught to respect other people's opinions no matter what they are. However, this is complete bullshit the reason being is that a lot of people have bad opinions. Now we(and by we I mean myself and my friends because that's pretty much the only people who read this blog) are privileged. We are privileged to have an education and have the ability to view both sides of an issue and formulate our own opinion from the facts. We are smart, clever, and level headed. Most people are not like this. Most people are unfortunately not too smart, not too clever(are sometimes even jealous/distrustful of cleverness), and can be rather hot headed. Just because we have had the good fortune to not meet a lot of these people(or at least not meet these people recently so we have forgotten about them) does not mean that they don't exist. I'll give you an example by telling you about an argument against global warming that I've been hearing a lot recently. Apparently there can't be global warming because it's cold outside. I swear to god that that's an honest argument that's been going around. If that isn't enough then look at how mass media influences the public. It's ridiculous! And so because of this we get bad opinions. Opinions such as "All people of the Arabic culture are terrorists"(although not so eloquently put), "The holocaust never happened", "Christianity is the only true religion and if you disagree you'll go to hell", most of what republicans say, and so on and so on(feel free to remember any really stupid opinions you've ever heard).

And so even though these are bad opinions we are still told that we have to respect them. Now I'm sorry but as I said before I still think that that's complete bullshit. I mean it in turn means that we have to respect the opinion of someone who says "Let's put all the kittens of the world into blenders.". From here on I say that if we hear a stupid opinion(and I mean a really stupid opinion not something like "I prefer XBOX to the Playstation" or "I prefer Playstation to XBOX") that we all have the guts to say that whoever said the stupid opinion is full of shit. Who's with me?