It Sucks For Everyone

You know we mainly feel sorry for the Jewish people because of the genocide in WWII but you know there have been people who have had it much worse. Due to the effects of the Great Famine in Ireland roughly 4-6 Million people either died or left Ireland. The Irish population at the time was about or nine million so they lost about half of their population. And everyone hated the Irish man. At some points in history it was worse to be Irish than Black. Especially in England. They've fucked with the Irish for centuries man. Or what about the Indians. Sure the Jews lost a lot of people but they got a country out of it. The Indians were decimated and had their country, and culture taken from them. They were literally invaded and conquered. The Brits tried to get rid of the Gaelic(Irish) culture but we managed to keep hold of it probably because the Brits didn't care about the rural areas of Ireland where most of the stories came from too much. Also if you want to think of something more recent there's the Rwandan Genocide. Roughly one million people were killed but these people weren't gassed or shot. No these people were hacked to death by Machetes. Lovely. Anyways I guess I'm just saying that there are plenty of people who have had it rough.

Words without Thought

This is going to be a long post. I've been meaning to write something for awhile.

I'm watching Shakespeare in Love right now. It's one of my favorite movies and I'm not afraid to say that. I especially like it at the end when Shakespeare starts writing 'Twelfth Night' because I always think 'I was in that and it was awesome'. Just thought I'd mention that.
* * *
I smoke too much weed now. I do. I smoke pretty much everyday sometimes at multiple times. I've been going to classes high for crying out loud and I've never done that before. I'm addicted but at least I know it. I'm going to try and cut down and it's going to be a son of a bitch to do. Still going to do it though....eventually. For a wise man once said "Do or do not. There is no try."
* * *
You know I'm guessing that right now there aren't a lot of people who believed that I was serious about becoming a vigilante. I don't blame you. There are some people in this world that you could envision being a vigilante and I'm in all probability not on of these people. But I am serious. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of money but I'm still going to do it. First step is getting a good paying job. With the extra money I can take martial arts lessons. That's the first step right there. After all you've got to start somewhere. Lifting weights and working out at the gym will give me strength and martial arts training will give me the skill I need to use that strength.
* * *
I think one of the hardest things for me to learn, one of things that bothers me the most, is that there are things in this world that I can't change, that there are some problems I can't fix. There are some things that, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't make better and it's not that I'm not willing to help it's just it's something that's beyond my control or understanding. There are some problems that people are not going to want help with or talk about. And I've got to accept that no matter how much it may suck because I don't like to see people I care about suffering.

Still I do the best I can. I'm always ready to listen, to give advice(only when it's wanted), I try not to pry, I'm always willing to offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm always willing to help however I can.
* * *
You know I think I have a self-esteem problem. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I need to hear someone else to compliment me to really believe that I'm good at something. I also have a sort of need to be accepted, to be liked by everyone. I'm constantly worrying about what other people think of me and I always feel like I'm absolute shit every time I hear someone say something negative about me. But I'd like to think that I'm good at some things. Singing. Writing. Acting. But I also have this constant horrible fear that eventually everyone's going to realize what an untalented fuck up I am and that'll be it. There are times when I just feel like a screw-up, like I can't do anything right, that I'm a dumb, ugly, schmuck. I've been depressed and even suicidal.

Part of the problem might be that I have an actual mental condition. I'm serious. It's called Asperger's Syndrome and it's an actual condition. It's kind of a form of high functioning autism
and people who have it like order and consistency(like I do) and they have a slight problem socially interacting with other people(in other words awkwardness). Ever since I was a kid it's always been up in the air if I had it because we haven't gotten it tested yet. Might try and do that in the near future.
I know people don't like to hear some of these things but it's the truth and if there's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm honest. I'm loyal. I'm kind. I'm empathetic. I'm intelligent. I'm caring. I'm in relatively good shape. I'm funny. Well at least I'd like to think that people would say this about me. These are aspects about me that I like to think exist.

Either way I feel better. See even though I feel all this horrible shit I still try to remain optimistic. I bet that if I could get a year of just constant positive reinforcement I could be right as rain.
* * *
I need to apologize. I do. You may not think I need to apologize nor may you care about this but I feel like I need to apologize. I'm sorry for not becoming the friend I could have been. I've known you for roughly the last three years and until recently we were a pretty constant part of each other's lives but we were always acquaintances. We were friends but distant ones. I never bothered to learn anything about you or hang out with you. When we did hang out it was always in a group and I would pretty much mentally shuffle you to the side or put you in the background. I kind of meant to try and get to know you better but I kept on putting it off. And now it's pretty much too late. So, even though you may not care, I'm sorry for not becoming a good friend because you can never have too many good friends.
* * *
I can be a difficult friend to have sometimes. I can. It's ironic since I want everyone to like me. There are times when I can be grouchy, touchy, even downright nasty. There are some things that just make me see red sometimes though. Some things that I have a real trouble with just laughing off. First off is jokes about my family(i.e. mom jokes). I'm touchy about my family probably because so much bad shit has happened to it: Dad's dead, Grandad's dead, one Grandma's dead the other's dying(she's died and been brought back five times. Five times!), got an Uncle dying of cancer, and of course my stepdad left us. So I'm touchy about my family and when people make jokes about them. Another thing I'm touchy about is ginger jokes. Because, let's face it, it's racism. You can say that it's not about someone's skin but that's a bullshit excuse. You're discriminating against someone because of the way they look. If that's not racism I don't what is. Now I know me complaining about racism is ironic. I've made racist jokes in the past. I say racist shit when I'm hanging out with friends. But I've always tried to say about people who weren't there so they wouldn't get offended. I've probably not succeeded and I realize that may sound like a flimsy excuse but there's still a difference there in my mind. I'm not racist nor am I trying to be actively racist to anyone. For a while now I've been even trying to stop saying racist stuff and even a long time I stopped saying racist stuff outside of the quad pod so I wouldn't offend someone. But the point is that when I'm hanging out with my friends and people start tossing around ginger jokes I'm the only red haired person there. It's no longer joking about a non-present 'other' now you're talking shit about me specifically. And that hurts sometimes. So I'm touchy about ginger jokes.

You know I have trouble trusting what my best friends tell me? I do. See what happened is that for the longest time I was the butt of the jokes. I was. Don't try to deny it. Sure you can say that you played jokes on each other as well but the majority of stuff was done to me. I was lied to the most. I was lied to a lot. Saying less that a minute later that it's just a joke and that you're fucking with me doesn't change the fact that you still lied to me. You abused and betrayed my trust. A lot. Pretty much at least once every time we hung out. And it made me feel like a gullible idiot and I got angry at myself for constantly falling for every single joke that you pulled on me even when I tried not to believe you. And eventually I managed to actually stop believing anything out of the ordinary that you told me but I need to ease up now. I've become too suspicious. That's why I didn't believe Jordan when he told me that he and Jill had broken up. I thought that the guys were just fucking with me again. And you know I don't like that. I don't like not being able to trust/actually trust what my best friends tell me. Because they're my best friends. I want to be able to believe what they tell me. But you get fucked around with enough and you eventually get tired of it.

Still I love you guys and I'm going to try and learn to trust more.

A Little Advice

Remember this motto. It's a good rule to live by.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!!"

A wise person once said "Be careful what you wish for since it might come true." Today I realized just how true that was. Always wished that we would get more snow and now we have. Never thought about repercussions until I went driving today. Driving in today's snow has got to be one of the most scary things I've ever done in my entire life. You can laugh at that if you want I don't really care. All I know is that I'm really lucky that I made it home today(suffered minimal damage. While going up Departure Bay hill a guy lost traction and slid into my front and broke the right blinker light. Didn't get his info because I didn't find out it was broken until later). There were times when I wasn't certain. I was afraid I'd have to leave the van and hoof it home. However, thankfully I was able to make it home, van and all, and now I'm not going to drive for awhile.

Believe in me 'cause I don't believe in anything
and I, I want to be someone to believe, to believe, to believe,yeah

I think one of my biggest faults is that I'm too empathetic. Now usually something like that would probably sound...I don't know arrogant or something like that. Well maybe not arrogant. Can't think of the word. Anyways while saying that would usually be...something anyone who really knows me would probably agree. I can't stand to see anyone or anything suffer even if it's in a game or another fictional setting. This has, of course, led to many jokes and ribbing at my expense but I've learned to take them in stride. I just can't stand to see people getting hurt in any way because when I see someone else in pain I automatically make it my pain and want to fix it. It's so bad that I have trouble watching movies where people suffer(Blood Diamond, Shake Hands with the Devil, usually any Holocaust movie). Seeing those people suffer makes my blood boil and I lose faith in humanity.

I recently saw Blood Diamond and Shake Hands with the Devil. Both movies take place in Africa and both movies have people being oppressed and brutalized. In both movies I saw people killed, mutilated, tortured....not raped though at least I'm pretty certain not. Rape still happened though. Shake Hands deals specifically with the Rwandan massacre that took place in 1994(see also Hotel Rwanda). Between 800,000-one million people were killed in 1994. That's probably most of the island. And barely anybody did anything. Nobody cared. While these people were being murdered mighty America was fixated on O.J. Simpson. They could have stopped the massacre and created order with just 2,000 marines and you know what they did instead? Got all of their people out of their and left the country to burn. In fact they helped pour gasoline on the fire. The UN mandate forbids intervening in the internal politics of a foreign country unless genocide is being commited. The powers that be made it so that the massacre wasn't classified as genocide. Nobody protested this. Nobody did anything because nobody cared. Except for a noble few. Except for those who stayed to bear witness to what the rest of the world turned a blind eye to. These people, these Canadians decided to stay. We had no food, no weapons, and no support but we stayed because we had the courage to stay. We helped thousands of people survive because we had the courage to stand, alone against what was happening. We alone have the right to say that we tried to help.

I watched this and I was disgusted. Disgusted, saddened and angered. And when I watched both of these movies I couldn't help but think "And we're not supposed to think of these people as savages?". Because this is still happening. You can't say that it's all in the past because it's still happening. Right at this very second. While I'm writing this and while you are reading it the same thing is happening only in different countries(and in some cases the same). People are still being butchered, still being mutilated, still being raped. All of this is happening right now. Nothing's changed. Why? Because of money, because of red tape, because of government bullshit. Innocent people, not factions, not religious groups, not tribes, innocent people are being killed because nobody cares.

I care.

"How many lives can be saved in a fight against indifference when your only weapon is the courage to stand alone?"

And then I saw another movie. A movie that made me think. It's called The Hunting Party. In it a journalist team manage to find a UN wanted war criminal in just two days after the various world governments have been looking for him for five years. You know what the kicker is? It's based off of a true story. Now I doubt that they actually found him but it still made me think. How succesfull would someone be if they weren't being held back by governments or money or whatever? What if someone went and actually looked for these people and brought them to justice? Why can't I be that person? I want to be an actor. If, God willing, I make it big I will have millions of dollars to spend. Millions of dollars. You hear every day about 10 million dollar homes, about celebrities having a dozen cars, hell Johnny Depp bought his own caribbean island and Guy Ritchie just got 92 million from his divorce with Madonna. They waste this money. With that money I will turn myself into someone who will put the fear of God back into the war criminals. You probably think I'm crazy. You probably think I'm joking or will probably forget about this in a few months. You're wrong. I now know my purpose. I will use my millions for training, for weapons, for whatever documents I need and I will, I WILL find these people and with one bullet I will bring them to justice. Because that's what justice is for these people. There will be no million dollar lawyers to help get them off the hook, no judges or politicians to bribe, no governments to help them. Because there is no court for these people. There's just me and a bullet with their name on it. Because that's justice. Because there is a difference between what's legal and illegal and what's right and wrong. Because to kill the devil I am willing to go down to his level. Because the ends justifies the means.

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous."

Just because I'm a normal person right now doesn't mean that my purpose in this world has to be ordinary. It can be extraordinary.

"Violence can be used for good."

The Nose Knows

I now have a nose.

Strange thing to say really it but in actuality I've only been able to say for nearly two weeks. Before that I had a damaged nose. Apparently when I was really little, probably before I was four, I tripped, fell, smashed my nose on a fireplace(don't remember whose fireplace it was) and the damn thing never set properly. We didn't realize that it was actually screwed up until much later in my life. For the longest time we thought that my nose didn't work properly because I was allergic to something. Turns out I'm actually allergic to nothing, something I'm very happy about. Still didn't know what was wrong until I was about 12 when we finally found out. The reason my nose was screwed up was because it was physically screwed up. Both nasal passages were completely blocked. So I went in for surgery and had my adenoids(don't ask me what those are because I have no clue) taken out. Then, once those were out of the way we were able to find out that my nose still didn't work because the nasal passages were still blocked off by cartilage which had collapsed wake back in the days of yore. Then they told me I'd have to wait until I was fully grown before they could do anything.

Fast forward to 18 years old I'm now grown enough for them to do something and I find out that because of the complexity of the surgery, both doctors that worked on me are going to use it in lectures, I'd probably have to wait another two years for paperwork to go through and a date picked out for the both the doctors that would be working on me: one doctor was a ear, nose, and throat specialist and the other was a plastic surgeon. So we fast forward two years to 20 years old and I find out that the wait's nearly over, the date's set: November 25th 2008. Was I nervous? Not until about a month before the surgery and even then only because the doctors kept telling me of how complicated the surgery was going to be. They gave me a 75% chance of success, pretty good for anything but considering it was my face we were talking about I would have preferred something higher. Anyways the day of the surgery comes(very early in the morning too. Surgery started at 8:00AM and I had to be at the hospital by 7:00AM), after an extremely stressful previous week dedicated to finishing school work(I was able to pull it off as well) I go in to the hospital, got changed into the hospital patient outfit(feeling very self-conscious because they didn't give me pant...didn't ask why). Anyways afterwards they put on a bed and wheeled me to the room that the surgery was going to happen in but I had to wait for a bit because they were still prepping it. While I waited the anesthetist put the tube into my arm(they used a needle. I hate needles) and finally I go in, they move me onto the operating table, everything gets hooked up, and goodnight.

Eventually I wake up exhausted at around three in the afternoon, still groggy from the drugs. I remember feeling warm and sort of sick but that soon went away when they replaced my IV fluid. Anyways I waited in recovery until about 4:30PM when I went to a house that a friend of the family was letting us(me and my mom) borrow while I recovered. I then proceeded to spend the little bit recovering from my surgery while on Codeine(personally would have preferred something like Vicodine) and antibiotics with a big splint on my nose and a ton of stitches and bandages(pretty much I was either a mummy or a messed up super-villain). Oh and you know how you've heard that having an itch under your cast will drive you nuts...well it will. Trust me, I know. Anyways we moved back into our house last Thursday because...well we had to. Someone broke into our garage and stole my grandma's and great grandma's jewelry(I'd like to see them try that when we have the hedge with barbed wire wrapped through it, gate, and security lights up) and we realized someone needs to start staying at the house. I now have the splint and some of the stitches removed though I still have a few in my head which should dissolve eventually pretty much taking it as easy as I can now while the renovating continues. The house should be finished by next week and then I can start staying in my room(though the upstairs suite that I'm staying in is really nice).

But the point is(wow you can actually just skip nearly everything I just wrote) I now have nose. It's a good nose too. It's changed the way I look(especially my profile) and the way I breathe/smell. Don't know if it's changed the way I sound. However, apparently it's not going to be 100% until a year from now because that's how long it'll take the swelling to disappear. But I'm now back on my feet and nearly back to 100% just as soon as the rest of the stitches disappear.

I think that's it....yeah that's it.

Food, Sleep, Friends, and Rock n' Roll

That's all you need.

Walking in the rain/Dancing in the Moonlight

I like walking in the rain with an umbrella at night
You're alone
Cut off from everything else
No cars
No people
Just you and nature
The world is all around you
It's raining
It's wet
It's cold
But not you
You're under your umbrella
Watching the puddles fill up
Watching the lamps reflect the rain
Watching the world being cleansed
And you're warm and dry
Wait
Now close the umbrella
I like walking in the rain without an umbrella
The rain pours down on you
You're wet
You're cold
You feel the rain soak through your coat
Your clothes
Down to your skin
And you feel the rain wash away your troubles
You feel the rain wash away your bad feelings
Your anger
Your hate
Your frustration
It slides off you and puddles around your feet
Then you step and it's all behind you
You're cleansed
Now breathe in
Now breathe out
In
Out
Ah
Don't you feel better?
***
I don't step on snails in the rain
I walk around them
I step over them
I avoid them
Why should I step on them?
It sounds terrible
It feels terrible
I don't want to step on them
So I don't
They're just doing their thing
Slowly sliding across the pavement
To us it is but a step
To them it is an adventure
Think of the danger
Think of the excitement
They're halfway there
They can make it
Then squish
They're done
They failed
Squashed underneath someones foot
But not mine
I walk around them
I step over them
I avoid them
What does that say about me?
***
Have you danced in the moonlight?
The moon is bright
There's no one around
Just you, the moon, and the music
Is the music in your head?
In your heart?
In your soul?
Does it matter?
Listen to it
Can you hear it?
Then dance
Why walk when you can dance?
Don't feel embarrassed
Don't doubt yourself
Don't think of what others will think
Just dance
Dance in the moonlight
***
"Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore man. Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay." -Jojo, Across the Universe