Words without Thought

This is going to be a long post. I've been meaning to write something for awhile.

I'm watching Shakespeare in Love right now. It's one of my favorite movies and I'm not afraid to say that. I especially like it at the end when Shakespeare starts writing 'Twelfth Night' because I always think 'I was in that and it was awesome'. Just thought I'd mention that.
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I smoke too much weed now. I do. I smoke pretty much everyday sometimes at multiple times. I've been going to classes high for crying out loud and I've never done that before. I'm addicted but at least I know it. I'm going to try and cut down and it's going to be a son of a bitch to do. Still going to do it though....eventually. For a wise man once said "Do or do not. There is no try."
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You know I'm guessing that right now there aren't a lot of people who believed that I was serious about becoming a vigilante. I don't blame you. There are some people in this world that you could envision being a vigilante and I'm in all probability not on of these people. But I am serious. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of money but I'm still going to do it. First step is getting a good paying job. With the extra money I can take martial arts lessons. That's the first step right there. After all you've got to start somewhere. Lifting weights and working out at the gym will give me strength and martial arts training will give me the skill I need to use that strength.
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I think one of the hardest things for me to learn, one of things that bothers me the most, is that there are things in this world that I can't change, that there are some problems I can't fix. There are some things that, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't make better and it's not that I'm not willing to help it's just it's something that's beyond my control or understanding. There are some problems that people are not going to want help with or talk about. And I've got to accept that no matter how much it may suck because I don't like to see people I care about suffering.

Still I do the best I can. I'm always ready to listen, to give advice(only when it's wanted), I try not to pry, I'm always willing to offer a shoulder to cry on. I'm always willing to help however I can.
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You know I think I have a self-esteem problem. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I need to hear someone else to compliment me to really believe that I'm good at something. I also have a sort of need to be accepted, to be liked by everyone. I'm constantly worrying about what other people think of me and I always feel like I'm absolute shit every time I hear someone say something negative about me. But I'd like to think that I'm good at some things. Singing. Writing. Acting. But I also have this constant horrible fear that eventually everyone's going to realize what an untalented fuck up I am and that'll be it. There are times when I just feel like a screw-up, like I can't do anything right, that I'm a dumb, ugly, schmuck. I've been depressed and even suicidal.

Part of the problem might be that I have an actual mental condition. I'm serious. It's called Asperger's Syndrome and it's an actual condition. It's kind of a form of high functioning autism
and people who have it like order and consistency(like I do) and they have a slight problem socially interacting with other people(in other words awkwardness). Ever since I was a kid it's always been up in the air if I had it because we haven't gotten it tested yet. Might try and do that in the near future.
I know people don't like to hear some of these things but it's the truth and if there's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm honest. I'm loyal. I'm kind. I'm empathetic. I'm intelligent. I'm caring. I'm in relatively good shape. I'm funny. Well at least I'd like to think that people would say this about me. These are aspects about me that I like to think exist.

Either way I feel better. See even though I feel all this horrible shit I still try to remain optimistic. I bet that if I could get a year of just constant positive reinforcement I could be right as rain.
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I need to apologize. I do. You may not think I need to apologize nor may you care about this but I feel like I need to apologize. I'm sorry for not becoming the friend I could have been. I've known you for roughly the last three years and until recently we were a pretty constant part of each other's lives but we were always acquaintances. We were friends but distant ones. I never bothered to learn anything about you or hang out with you. When we did hang out it was always in a group and I would pretty much mentally shuffle you to the side or put you in the background. I kind of meant to try and get to know you better but I kept on putting it off. And now it's pretty much too late. So, even though you may not care, I'm sorry for not becoming a good friend because you can never have too many good friends.
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I can be a difficult friend to have sometimes. I can. It's ironic since I want everyone to like me. There are times when I can be grouchy, touchy, even downright nasty. There are some things that just make me see red sometimes though. Some things that I have a real trouble with just laughing off. First off is jokes about my family(i.e. mom jokes). I'm touchy about my family probably because so much bad shit has happened to it: Dad's dead, Grandad's dead, one Grandma's dead the other's dying(she's died and been brought back five times. Five times!), got an Uncle dying of cancer, and of course my stepdad left us. So I'm touchy about my family and when people make jokes about them. Another thing I'm touchy about is ginger jokes. Because, let's face it, it's racism. You can say that it's not about someone's skin but that's a bullshit excuse. You're discriminating against someone because of the way they look. If that's not racism I don't what is. Now I know me complaining about racism is ironic. I've made racist jokes in the past. I say racist shit when I'm hanging out with friends. But I've always tried to say about people who weren't there so they wouldn't get offended. I've probably not succeeded and I realize that may sound like a flimsy excuse but there's still a difference there in my mind. I'm not racist nor am I trying to be actively racist to anyone. For a while now I've been even trying to stop saying racist stuff and even a long time I stopped saying racist stuff outside of the quad pod so I wouldn't offend someone. But the point is that when I'm hanging out with my friends and people start tossing around ginger jokes I'm the only red haired person there. It's no longer joking about a non-present 'other' now you're talking shit about me specifically. And that hurts sometimes. So I'm touchy about ginger jokes.

You know I have trouble trusting what my best friends tell me? I do. See what happened is that for the longest time I was the butt of the jokes. I was. Don't try to deny it. Sure you can say that you played jokes on each other as well but the majority of stuff was done to me. I was lied to the most. I was lied to a lot. Saying less that a minute later that it's just a joke and that you're fucking with me doesn't change the fact that you still lied to me. You abused and betrayed my trust. A lot. Pretty much at least once every time we hung out. And it made me feel like a gullible idiot and I got angry at myself for constantly falling for every single joke that you pulled on me even when I tried not to believe you. And eventually I managed to actually stop believing anything out of the ordinary that you told me but I need to ease up now. I've become too suspicious. That's why I didn't believe Jordan when he told me that he and Jill had broken up. I thought that the guys were just fucking with me again. And you know I don't like that. I don't like not being able to trust/actually trust what my best friends tell me. Because they're my best friends. I want to be able to believe what they tell me. But you get fucked around with enough and you eventually get tired of it.

Still I love you guys and I'm going to try and learn to trust more.