A wise person once said "Be careful what you wish for since it might come true." Today I realized just how true that was. Always wished that we would get more snow and now we have. Never thought about repercussions until I went driving today. Driving in today's snow has got to be one of the most scary things I've ever done in my entire life. You can laugh at that if you want I don't really care. All I know is that I'm really lucky that I made it home today(suffered minimal damage. While going up Departure Bay hill a guy lost traction and slid into my front and broke the right blinker light. Didn't get his info because I didn't find out it was broken until later). There were times when I wasn't certain. I was afraid I'd have to leave the van and hoof it home. However, thankfully I was able to make it home, van and all, and now I'm not going to drive for awhile.

Believe in me 'cause I don't believe in anything
and I, I want to be someone to believe, to believe, to believe,yeah

I think one of my biggest faults is that I'm too empathetic. Now usually something like that would probably sound...I don't know arrogant or something like that. Well maybe not arrogant. Can't think of the word. Anyways while saying that would usually be...something anyone who really knows me would probably agree. I can't stand to see anyone or anything suffer even if it's in a game or another fictional setting. This has, of course, led to many jokes and ribbing at my expense but I've learned to take them in stride. I just can't stand to see people getting hurt in any way because when I see someone else in pain I automatically make it my pain and want to fix it. It's so bad that I have trouble watching movies where people suffer(Blood Diamond, Shake Hands with the Devil, usually any Holocaust movie). Seeing those people suffer makes my blood boil and I lose faith in humanity.

I recently saw Blood Diamond and Shake Hands with the Devil. Both movies take place in Africa and both movies have people being oppressed and brutalized. In both movies I saw people killed, mutilated, tortured....not raped though at least I'm pretty certain not. Rape still happened though. Shake Hands deals specifically with the Rwandan massacre that took place in 1994(see also Hotel Rwanda). Between 800,000-one million people were killed in 1994. That's probably most of the island. And barely anybody did anything. Nobody cared. While these people were being murdered mighty America was fixated on O.J. Simpson. They could have stopped the massacre and created order with just 2,000 marines and you know what they did instead? Got all of their people out of their and left the country to burn. In fact they helped pour gasoline on the fire. The UN mandate forbids intervening in the internal politics of a foreign country unless genocide is being commited. The powers that be made it so that the massacre wasn't classified as genocide. Nobody protested this. Nobody did anything because nobody cared. Except for a noble few. Except for those who stayed to bear witness to what the rest of the world turned a blind eye to. These people, these Canadians decided to stay. We had no food, no weapons, and no support but we stayed because we had the courage to stay. We helped thousands of people survive because we had the courage to stand, alone against what was happening. We alone have the right to say that we tried to help.

I watched this and I was disgusted. Disgusted, saddened and angered. And when I watched both of these movies I couldn't help but think "And we're not supposed to think of these people as savages?". Because this is still happening. You can't say that it's all in the past because it's still happening. Right at this very second. While I'm writing this and while you are reading it the same thing is happening only in different countries(and in some cases the same). People are still being butchered, still being mutilated, still being raped. All of this is happening right now. Nothing's changed. Why? Because of money, because of red tape, because of government bullshit. Innocent people, not factions, not religious groups, not tribes, innocent people are being killed because nobody cares.

I care.

"How many lives can be saved in a fight against indifference when your only weapon is the courage to stand alone?"

And then I saw another movie. A movie that made me think. It's called The Hunting Party. In it a journalist team manage to find a UN wanted war criminal in just two days after the various world governments have been looking for him for five years. You know what the kicker is? It's based off of a true story. Now I doubt that they actually found him but it still made me think. How succesfull would someone be if they weren't being held back by governments or money or whatever? What if someone went and actually looked for these people and brought them to justice? Why can't I be that person? I want to be an actor. If, God willing, I make it big I will have millions of dollars to spend. Millions of dollars. You hear every day about 10 million dollar homes, about celebrities having a dozen cars, hell Johnny Depp bought his own caribbean island and Guy Ritchie just got 92 million from his divorce with Madonna. They waste this money. With that money I will turn myself into someone who will put the fear of God back into the war criminals. You probably think I'm crazy. You probably think I'm joking or will probably forget about this in a few months. You're wrong. I now know my purpose. I will use my millions for training, for weapons, for whatever documents I need and I will, I WILL find these people and with one bullet I will bring them to justice. Because that's what justice is for these people. There will be no million dollar lawyers to help get them off the hook, no judges or politicians to bribe, no governments to help them. Because there is no court for these people. There's just me and a bullet with their name on it. Because that's justice. Because there is a difference between what's legal and illegal and what's right and wrong. Because to kill the devil I am willing to go down to his level. Because the ends justifies the means.

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous."

Just because I'm a normal person right now doesn't mean that my purpose in this world has to be ordinary. It can be extraordinary.

"Violence can be used for good."

The Nose Knows

I now have a nose.

Strange thing to say really it but in actuality I've only been able to say for nearly two weeks. Before that I had a damaged nose. Apparently when I was really little, probably before I was four, I tripped, fell, smashed my nose on a fireplace(don't remember whose fireplace it was) and the damn thing never set properly. We didn't realize that it was actually screwed up until much later in my life. For the longest time we thought that my nose didn't work properly because I was allergic to something. Turns out I'm actually allergic to nothing, something I'm very happy about. Still didn't know what was wrong until I was about 12 when we finally found out. The reason my nose was screwed up was because it was physically screwed up. Both nasal passages were completely blocked. So I went in for surgery and had my adenoids(don't ask me what those are because I have no clue) taken out. Then, once those were out of the way we were able to find out that my nose still didn't work because the nasal passages were still blocked off by cartilage which had collapsed wake back in the days of yore. Then they told me I'd have to wait until I was fully grown before they could do anything.

Fast forward to 18 years old I'm now grown enough for them to do something and I find out that because of the complexity of the surgery, both doctors that worked on me are going to use it in lectures, I'd probably have to wait another two years for paperwork to go through and a date picked out for the both the doctors that would be working on me: one doctor was a ear, nose, and throat specialist and the other was a plastic surgeon. So we fast forward two years to 20 years old and I find out that the wait's nearly over, the date's set: November 25th 2008. Was I nervous? Not until about a month before the surgery and even then only because the doctors kept telling me of how complicated the surgery was going to be. They gave me a 75% chance of success, pretty good for anything but considering it was my face we were talking about I would have preferred something higher. Anyways the day of the surgery comes(very early in the morning too. Surgery started at 8:00AM and I had to be at the hospital by 7:00AM), after an extremely stressful previous week dedicated to finishing school work(I was able to pull it off as well) I go in to the hospital, got changed into the hospital patient outfit(feeling very self-conscious because they didn't give me pant...didn't ask why). Anyways afterwards they put on a bed and wheeled me to the room that the surgery was going to happen in but I had to wait for a bit because they were still prepping it. While I waited the anesthetist put the tube into my arm(they used a needle. I hate needles) and finally I go in, they move me onto the operating table, everything gets hooked up, and goodnight.

Eventually I wake up exhausted at around three in the afternoon, still groggy from the drugs. I remember feeling warm and sort of sick but that soon went away when they replaced my IV fluid. Anyways I waited in recovery until about 4:30PM when I went to a house that a friend of the family was letting us(me and my mom) borrow while I recovered. I then proceeded to spend the little bit recovering from my surgery while on Codeine(personally would have preferred something like Vicodine) and antibiotics with a big splint on my nose and a ton of stitches and bandages(pretty much I was either a mummy or a messed up super-villain). Oh and you know how you've heard that having an itch under your cast will drive you nuts...well it will. Trust me, I know. Anyways we moved back into our house last Thursday because...well we had to. Someone broke into our garage and stole my grandma's and great grandma's jewelry(I'd like to see them try that when we have the hedge with barbed wire wrapped through it, gate, and security lights up) and we realized someone needs to start staying at the house. I now have the splint and some of the stitches removed though I still have a few in my head which should dissolve eventually pretty much taking it as easy as I can now while the renovating continues. The house should be finished by next week and then I can start staying in my room(though the upstairs suite that I'm staying in is really nice).

But the point is(wow you can actually just skip nearly everything I just wrote) I now have nose. It's a good nose too. It's changed the way I look(especially my profile) and the way I breathe/smell. Don't know if it's changed the way I sound. However, apparently it's not going to be 100% until a year from now because that's how long it'll take the swelling to disappear. But I'm now back on my feet and nearly back to 100% just as soon as the rest of the stitches disappear.

I think that's it....yeah that's it.

Food, Sleep, Friends, and Rock n' Roll

That's all you need.

Walking in the rain/Dancing in the Moonlight

I like walking in the rain with an umbrella at night
You're alone
Cut off from everything else
No cars
No people
Just you and nature
The world is all around you
It's raining
It's wet
It's cold
But not you
You're under your umbrella
Watching the puddles fill up
Watching the lamps reflect the rain
Watching the world being cleansed
And you're warm and dry
Wait
Now close the umbrella
I like walking in the rain without an umbrella
The rain pours down on you
You're wet
You're cold
You feel the rain soak through your coat
Your clothes
Down to your skin
And you feel the rain wash away your troubles
You feel the rain wash away your bad feelings
Your anger
Your hate
Your frustration
It slides off you and puddles around your feet
Then you step and it's all behind you
You're cleansed
Now breathe in
Now breathe out
In
Out
Ah
Don't you feel better?
***
I don't step on snails in the rain
I walk around them
I step over them
I avoid them
Why should I step on them?
It sounds terrible
It feels terrible
I don't want to step on them
So I don't
They're just doing their thing
Slowly sliding across the pavement
To us it is but a step
To them it is an adventure
Think of the danger
Think of the excitement
They're halfway there
They can make it
Then squish
They're done
They failed
Squashed underneath someones foot
But not mine
I walk around them
I step over them
I avoid them
What does that say about me?
***
Have you danced in the moonlight?
The moon is bright
There's no one around
Just you, the moon, and the music
Is the music in your head?
In your heart?
In your soul?
Does it matter?
Listen to it
Can you hear it?
Then dance
Why walk when you can dance?
Don't feel embarrassed
Don't doubt yourself
Don't think of what others will think
Just dance
Dance in the moonlight
***
"Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore man. Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay." -Jojo, Across the Universe

Truth is not beauty nor beauty truth. The truth is ugly, nasty, mean, and not fair.
***
Here's a shiny red ball
Isn't it nice and shiny?
Take a closer look
Forget about global warming
Forget about the upcoming depression
Forget about the increasing possibility of WWIII
Forget that the corporations just want your money
Forget that there's modern slavery worldwide
Forget that the politicians don't care about you
Forget that the rules don't make sense anymore
Forget that you could die tomorrow
You have a shiny red ball
Aren't you happy?

* * *
If you had a gun in your hand who would you shoot first?
* * *
Why do we look after our sick and handicapped? Human beings are the only ones to do this. In the wild they would have been quickly killed off in infancy and no one would care. It'd just be part of the whole 'survival of the fittest'. Nature's law. If a horse broke it's leg then we'd probably put it down. If any farm animal was born malformed or different it would be killed. If any animal anywhere was born sick or handicapped it would die. Perfectly natural. But no we have to look after them. We have to humor them and smile and pretend that they're not different, that there's nothing wrong with them. But there is. And of course then there are those who are allergic to...well everything. There are people who are so allergic to peanut butter that they can't be around someone who's had it in the last two days. There are those who are allergic to sunlight, to water, to the things a human being needs to survive. And we're supposed to make due for these people. Am I the only one that is sick of putting the fake smile on their face? Am I the only that thinks that the only way the human race will evolve is to cut the weak from the strong? Does this make me a monster? Well no actually. Darwin thought the same thing. Look at him. He's considered a genius.

Let there be a culling of the human race. Let the strong survive.
* * *
All my life I've tried to put a smile on my face. All my life I've tried to remain optimistic and strong. And what has this gotten me? My parents have been divorced(now twice), my father is dead, my grandfather is dead, my uncle is dying of cancer, my friend and first acting instructor is dead, I was verbally picked on and beaten for five straight years of my life, before I had even reached double digits I wanted to kill myself, and now we have to move again. And you want me to be positive? You want me to smile? You want me to listen to you bitch about your problems and tell you that everything will be okay?

You don't know how fucking lucky you are.
* * *
My face is too boyish? My face is too boyish?! That's why this happened?! All that waiting, all that exercising, all that hard work for nothing because my face is too boyish?! Maybe if I use the kitchen knife to put a few scars on my face then it won't be as boyish!

A quick reminder

We're all fucked. It's important to remember that.

Clearing a Few Things Up

I thought I should probably right another post to clarify things about the last one(although I kind of doubt anyone's read it yet. If you haven't feel free to scroll down but I warn you it is long.) just so people would get the whole picture. When I wrote that post I was feeling depressed so I probably made it more depressing than I meant to. However, I'm not going to say that what I wrote wasn't the truth. It was the truth. I feel all those things I wrote about: I'm not happy with myself and the way I look. However, I am also doing things to improve myself. I've been working out a lot and have made it to some goals that I had laid out, I'm learning to play the guitar, I'm wanting to take Judo classes(unfortunately they're a bit expensive most of my money is going toward tuition), etc. So while I'm not happy with who I am and how I look I'm also trying to fix it.

The thing is we all feel these self doubts and self criticisms about ourselves. I doubt that there is anyone normal out there who is completely happy with who they are or how they look. It's just part of being human I suppose plus nowadays mass media has forced the idea of perfection down our throat and, let's face it, while it's easy to seem perfect in commercials and such it's impossible to be perfect in real life. Anyways while we all have these self criticisms the important thing is how we deal with them. We can either try to block them out through various methods such as self-medication(pot is my self-medication), or we can let them control or lives and be absolutely miserable, or we can do a thousand different things. Me? I keep my self criticisms locked up tight inside. I don't tell anyone about them and instead try to pretend like everything's going great all the time even though I could feeling like absolute shit. Why? I don't want to bother other people with my problems. That's kind of funny when you think about it. I really want to help people with their problems but I don't want people helping me with mine. Well that's not true. I would like people to help me with my problems I just don't want to tell anyone about my problems. I don't want to burden them with unnecessary worrying over me. I figure people have got enough problems of their own why should I bother them with my problems. Of course then things just build out and I need to find a release...such as writing a really long post about how miserable I am at the moment.

Anyway I figured I'd just clear things up. Like I said before feel free to read the post before this. It'll make this one make more sense.