The Importance of Being Idle

"The most persistent sound which reverberates through man’s history is the beating of war drums." —Arthur Koestler

Just finished watching 'Joyeux Noel' and all I can say is wow. For those of you who don't know about it it's about the Christmas truce that happened during WWI on 1914 and it was just beautifal.

Well a lot has certainly happened since my last post and I can happily say that most of it has been good. It's also because so much has happened that I haven't been able to post recently so now you're all going to be treated to an extra long post. I'll try to go through what has happened one after the other.

First off: my 19th birthday. Well what can I say other than it was a blast. A goodly amount of people came out to see my inauguration into legality both at the dinner and at the bars. Dinner at Fast Eddie's was delicious. I ordered a peperonni pizza and had about three fishbowls and five shots. Jordan was evil and got me a shot of Ballantine's Finest Scotch Whiskey. Everyone else was nice and got me shots that didn't taste that bad(the best was a Baja Rosa smothered in whipped cream that I had to find with my face as I wasn't allowed to use my hands.). After dinner most of the people left unfortunately for various reasons(I wave my finger at all of you who left!) but there were still a couple who stayed like Jordan, Amber, Olives....and maybe a couple of others(I'm really sorry if I forgot anyone. My judgement and memory wasn't exactly perfect at this point.) and Alleah also turned up. Then there was more drinks and my memory gets a little more hazy. I know we went to the Globe and ran into Alex which was super awesome. Then there were more drinks. Then the next thing I remember was that Alex was gone and we were at The Jungle where Jordan ordered me a shot of 151 and that made me rush outside and puke. Then we lay down in the grass on the way to Tim Horton's where Alleah grabbed a cab. So finally me and Jordan went back to his car where we smoked some weed and ate leftover pizza from Fast Eddie's and it was awesome. Then I went to bed and slept until 5:00PM the next day where I had to get up because I had a show in three hours.

Next topic is work I guess. Well when it comes to this topic there's both good news and bad news. The good news is that after weeks of searching I finally got a job. The bad news is that it's at NCO. I know that it's probably going to take my soul a little bit at a time but I figure that if I can survive until December then I can probably make roughly between 12,000 and 14,000 dollars working full-time. Also since I'm going to be living at home still(Biff's place didn't work out) I won't have to spend it on that much so I can save up and have enough money to get by as I look for a job that won't slowly kill me like Blockbuster. I'd really like to work at Blockbuster personally.

As for how I'm personally doing well I'd have to say I'm feeling pretty good. I mean even though some things didn't go as planned(such as not moving out with the other guys and having to get a job at NCO) things are going pretty good. I mean they could certainly be doing worse. Physically I feeling great as well. I've been going to the gym for the past couple of months and it's definitely starting to show. One of the most noticeable examples I find is that when I first started going to the gym I could only benchpress 50 kilograms(30 kilo bar and two ten kilo weights). Now I can benchpress 60 kilograms(30 kilo bar and two fifteen kilo weights). Plus I've lost weight. I've probably lost around seven or eight pounds so far and I'm hoping to lose even more(my current goal is to weigh less than 170. Afterwards my next goal will be to weigh less than 160 unless of course I begin to gain weight because of muscle.)

Finally there is of course theatre. As many of you probably know I been involved in a production of The Long, the Short, and the Tall up at the Ladysmith Little Theatre. Well it turns out that the production was also the Ladysmith Little Theatre's entry into the B.C. South Island Theatre Festival(the winner would get to go to mainstage in Kamloops and compete against plays from all over the province). Well awards night was last night and it was kind of harsh. One of the other plays 'Beowulf and Grendel', which was put on by the Ladysmith Secondary School definitely cleaned up when it came to the awards. They probably got six or seven awards among them being best sound, lights, and set. As for us well we only got four. We got Best Male Supporting Actor, Best Male Actor, Best Director, as well as.....Best Production THAT'S RIGHT WE WON!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO MAINSTAGE BITCHES!!!!! Bet I had a couple of you going(well probably not I mean it's easy to fool someone when you're talking to them this is writing.). Now before I continue I just need to take a moment and think for a second....I'm pretty certain I've forgot something....oh yeah WE'RE GOING TO MAINTSTAGE!!!!! Anyway Mainstage(where we're going) takes place during the last week of June and the first week of July. We're heading out on the 27th or 28th and we're performing on the 3rd of July AT MAINSTAGE!!!!!(okay I'll stop now.)

Well that's about it at the moment. I'm pretty certain I haven't forgotten anything except WE'RE GOING TO MAINSTAGE!!!!!(Sorry. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.) So until next time I hope you all are doing great, do great, feel great and don't forget to take a ride on the CA-RAZZY train!

19th Birthday!

As many of you are aware of I am turning 19 next Wednesday(May 9) so in celebration there is going to be(I'm hoping) a big birthday dinner at Fast Eddie's on the night before we all go clubbing. I want everyone to be there and I mean everyone. When you read this post phone up everyone and tell them. I want everyone there for dinner(and of course for the barring afterwards).

So don't forget:

Fast Eddie's, May 9th, at 7:00PM.

Be there!

P.S. I told some of you that there would be paintball to celebrate my 19th. However, this has been cancelled as there are apparently no paintball fields in Nanaimo(believe me I checked.). Hell even Cyber City doesn't do paintball anymore. So my apologies. Now come to the dinner!

Proudly Politically Incorrect

During the middle of the 20th century(around the 50s and 60s) there were recorded accounts in the U.S.A. of people being beaten to death by mobs for seeming to support communism just because they wore red without the white and blue.

Killer label: Communist

During the beginning of the 21st century there have been recorded accounts of people's reputation, integrity, careers, and lives be completely ruined just for saying a single word.

Killer label: Sexist or racist

Can you spot the difference? Because I sure as hell can't.

You know there's nothing that really pisses me off more than the whole PC thing being taken too far. I mean I can understand the whole concept of preaching respect and tolerance but then the same people turn around and rip into people just for saying a single word like nigger(oh my god did he actually write that?) or bitch(you can't say that!) on any form of public communication. I mean these are the same people who also advocate free speech. Am I the only one in which the word 'hypocrite' comes to mind?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating the casual use of racist or sexist comments in a negative fashion but in my opinion it's these PC cultists that are more of a problem then some 70 or 80 year old guy who says 'nappy-headed ho'(if you don't get the reference then wikipedia Don Imus').

I'll give you an example: in the eyes of the PC cultists people who use said comments are automatically ignorant, racist/sexist, assholes who should ran out of town on a rail(more or less). Well guess what: I'm both sexist and slightly racist. That's right good old James is an ignorant, racist and sexist asshole. Here's how I'm sexist: I like male heroes in video games and movies. Then don't have to be seven foot, muscular, manly men but they do have to be male. When I checked out the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic video game series on Wookiepedia(that's a wikipedia which focuses on Star Wars) I was happy to find that in the first game the main character is supposed to be male and then was aggravated when I found that the main character in the second one is supposed to be female. In video games I never play female characters if I can avoid it. However, I have absolutely no problem with there being main female characters in the game who fight alongside you just as long as they're not the main main character.

The same goes for movies as well. I like my main characters to be male. I was extremely pissed off that I found that the main character in Silent Hill was going to be female, in fact the same thing happened with Resident Evil. I outright refused to see Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet mainly because the main character was female and in my opinion they could have easily have had male main characters. If the movies had had male main characters I would probably have thought that they looked like kick-ass, mindless action movies. But don't get me wrong. I don't mind female main characters. I like Kill Bill, the Alien Movies, POTC, and so on. It just bugs me when movies have a female main character when they could have easily had a male.

As for how I'm racist well as some of you know when me and Jordan get high we'll toss around 'nigger' like there's no tomorrow. We think up racial jokes and laugh at them. Why? Because they're funny! Because racism is funny! Just listen nearly any black comedian and they'll have some racist humor in they're routines but of course it's allright for them to be racist because they're black. They're allowed. It's just if you're white that all of a sudden making racist jokes become a big deal. Anyone thinking of the word 'hypocrite' again? Also I personally have a lower opinion of lower class natives. Now when I say lower class natives I don't mean all natives. There are some natives that I've met that I quite liked. It's just some natives I meet just seem to be lower class. They're kind of like the native version of poor, white, trash(actually I guess I'm more against poor trash than just native poor trash.). Also I hate hardcore racists. Boy do I hate those fuckers. Neo-nazis, skinheads, KKKers, the whole lot. I'd do a drive-by from here to Texas if I could.

So there you go. If any of you wish to call me sexist, racist, ignorant, chauvinistic, etc. go ahead. I'm honestly not going to give a shit. In fact if someone I know calls me anything like that my respect and opinion of them is really going to drop because these opinions aren't new. I've thought this way for years but I've always been good, old, James. I haven't changed. It's just your opinion of me that's going to change.

In closing I want to present you all with a link to a site which has a long list of racist slurs. I would have put them on this post but the list is too damn long. Hopefully you'll realize that they're just words and it's the assholes who put the purpose behind them that you have to blame you god damn crackers/niggers/wops/nips/chinks/sand niggers/spicks/curry-munchers/red skinned devils(not to be confused with curry-munchers)/and gooks.

http://gyral.blackshell.com/names.html

'Nuff Said

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to go to the mall and just stand in the middle of the crowd and as hundreds of people move around me I see...everything. I watch them all lose their individuality and become a face in the crowd. I watch them as they look but don't see. I watch as they eventually just become a blur as I stand there, alone, in the middle of a crowd. The only person in a flood of people and for a few moments I feel at peace as I take a moment to stop and look instead of just walking forward through life.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression

Sometimes I close my eyes and let the music envelope me. I close my eyes and as I am surrounded by darkness the music becomes shining points in the inky blackness. I feel the notes swirl in the air around me and I can feel the beat reach down into my soul. The words flow through my soul and it picks me up as the song plays on. The meaning behind the music becomes crystal clear and then this music starts to come from me. I become part of the song and for a few minutes I'm at peace, I'm in the eye of the storm as the music swirls around me.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Sometimes I go for a walk at night and I stand in shadows looking at the world around me. I fade into the background as I have done so many times before and I let my consciousness expand. I listen to the sounds of the night. I listen to the sounds of traffic. The hum of the streetlights. I listen to the whispering wind. I listen to the thousand different, individual sounds that make up life. I look at the darkness and look at the light and I think of myself. I think of myself as I stand between the darkness and light. I think of all the good I want to do and all the evil I am tempted to do. I do all this and for a few minutes I'm at peace as I become one with the world around me.

I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Why that's Mysterious Mose!

There's a man of mystery that's roaming through the land,
Far and near you hear of him; he's found on every hand;
Every city, town and village knows of him by now!
There's a way to recognize him; let me tell you how:

Now if your path at midnight dark, by a graveyard goes,
And someone whistles, "Whoooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

For on some dark and stormy night, while the tempest blows,
If someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, he knows all; he's gets in everywhere;
Now some night, he might, wait for you upon the stair!

So when you're going down the cellar, walk upon your toes,
And if someone whistles, "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

Wakes from the sleep, by the 'peep peep peep', of a flute from down below
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
Why that's Mysterious Mose!

Now if at dawn, on an early morn, a trumpet softly blows
If someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

He sees all, knows all, perhaps a clarinet,
or a base horn, or anything that he can get

He plays on every instrument but there's just one tune he knows
When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

When someone whistles "Whooooo!"
That's Mysterious Mose!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IggJh1lXzaI

merely truth....

There's something wrong with me. I'm not quite certain what it is. All I know for certain is that I'm not right in the head. I'm not normal. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. That whatever I try to do will always fail somehow for one reason or another. Also throughout my whole time in college I have been afflicted by a feeling of enmity though there is no reason for it. I can be laughing and smiling one second and then choking back words filled of hate and rage. Sometimes I want to scream and swear and shout and cry all at the same time and why? I don't know. I've never known. So far I've been able to mostly control myself except for the occasional outbursts that are dismissed as mere tantrums but each time that I chain my anger and force the smiling mask back onto my face I can't help but think of the release that would come from once....just once letting the beast get control and run rampant. But I won't. Because I can't. Because I know that if I allow myself to be weak just once then what I say and what I do will be remembered and will not be forgiven... at least fully. Because there will always be the knowledge that behind the eyes of the people that I talk to the memory of my words and actions will continously be fresh in their mind as they also don their smiling masks. But there are times where I do feel weak and there are times where I just want to end it all. But I can't. I can't leave like that because I know that there are people out there who love me and I could never hurt them like that. When I stop living for myself anymore I can at the very least live for someone else.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've never wanted to burden anyone else with this knowledge. I suppose I'm hoping that actually talking about it will make it better, will make me better but I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of being awkward, I'm tired of being strange, I'm tired of being the joker, I'm tired of being me. I suppose that's why I wrap myself up in the books, in the plays, and in the games. I'm trying to escape all the while fervently wishing I could be who I've always thought I was deep down instead of who I am. But it is a fool who wraps himself in dreams as unsubstantial as the morning dew and a fool who will find nothing but the harshness of reality peeling away the dreams to reveal the ugly truth.

All I ask is for those who read this not to label it as a rant, a cry for help, a need for pity, or a mere 'emo' post, or anything of the sort. This is how I feel. This is merely truth. This is merely my truth.