There's something wrong with me. I'm not quite certain what it is. All I know for certain is that I'm not right in the head. I'm not normal. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. That whatever I try to do will always fail somehow for one reason or another. Also throughout my whole time in college I have been afflicted by a feeling of enmity though there is no reason for it. I can be laughing and smiling one second and then choking back words filled of hate and rage. Sometimes I want to scream and swear and shout and cry all at the same time and why? I don't know. I've never known. So far I've been able to mostly control myself except for the occasional outbursts that are dismissed as mere tantrums but each time that I chain my anger and force the smiling mask back onto my face I can't help but think of the release that would come from once....just once letting the beast get control and run rampant. But I won't. Because I can't. Because I know that if I allow myself to be weak just once then what I say and what I do will be remembered and will not be forgiven... at least fully. Because there will always be the knowledge that behind the eyes of the people that I talk to the memory of my words and actions will continously be fresh in their mind as they also don their smiling masks. But there are times where I do feel weak and there are times where I just want to end it all. But I can't. I can't leave like that because I know that there are people out there who love me and I could never hurt them like that. When I stop living for myself anymore I can at the very least live for someone else.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've never wanted to burden anyone else with this knowledge. I suppose I'm hoping that actually talking about it will make it better, will make me better but I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of being awkward, I'm tired of being strange, I'm tired of being the joker, I'm tired of being me. I suppose that's why I wrap myself up in the books, in the plays, and in the games. I'm trying to escape all the while fervently wishing I could be who I've always thought I was deep down instead of who I am. But it is a fool who wraps himself in dreams as unsubstantial as the morning dew and a fool who will find nothing but the harshness of reality peeling away the dreams to reveal the ugly truth.
All I ask is for those who read this not to label it as a rant, a cry for help, a need for pity, or a mere 'emo' post, or anything of the sort. This is how I feel. This is merely truth. This is merely my truth.
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2 comments:
You're certainly different James, but definitely not in a bad way, and it's why we all love you! I totally know what you mean about the crazy moodiness, I'm the same way.
Just know you have so many people around you who are willing to listen when you're feeling crappy!
Jamers, I can guarantee you that every single one of us have had those same thoughts. Or at least I know I have.
Feeling different some of the time is normal, and the good thing is: for every two of these moments when you can't stand to be you, there's going to be a hundred more moments when you wouldn't trade your life for the coolest person on earth's.
Why? Because you know, underneath all the bad feelings, that you have a huge number of people who love you, and whose lives would be lesser if you weren't in them. And most of the people you and I and everyone else wish we could be like probably are not that lucky.
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